Today is a beautiful day. It’s not only my birthday, but a day that I have used to reflect on some of my relationships and how blessed I am in this life.
First, my best friend, my husband is PERFECT! I was sitting with him the other day and was looking at him and thinking just how perfect he is for me. I could not imagine anyone else in my life. We grew up so differently, yet we are so much alike. I really can’t imagine getting along with and loving someone else as much as I love Chad. I am so lucky to have such a great man in my life. He loves, protects, and cares for me. He even deals with me being sick all the time, I know that is hard.
Second, my brother found out great news on Friday. I am so happy to hear him doing so well. He is definitely kicking cancers butt. Everyone’s prayers are working, please keep them coming. I know I am praying everyday for him! Please remember, Cat needs your prayers too. She is fighting just as hard as he is.
For my family - I feel a closeness to my mom that most people don’t have. I have a best friend in my mom and I am so lucky for that. I talk to my dad almost every day and can tell him everything going on in my life. I am glad that I am still a “Daddy’s girl”. I see my father-in-law almost weekly and we have a great time talking, laughing, debating, anything a girl would do with her actual dad. I am lucky enough to have that same type of relationship with my father-in-law. I chat with my mother-in-law more than my husband does. He is much busier than me. This has given me the great opportunity to become friends with her, instead of just a daughter-in-law. I am happy to call her my friend. I feel so blessed to have these four parents in my life. I think I always took it for granted, because as I look around, I notice not all people have their parents in their lives and if they do, they don’t always enjoy them the way Chad and I do ours. I am thankful that Chad gets along with my parents so well also. Now, if we could only get all four of our parents to get along with each other :) Chad and I are even getting closer to my Grandpa and Brenda, it feels great to know they are always there for us, as well as us for them. It’s great to have them to look up to.
I think about how much I used to stress about coming to work and hated being there. I no longer feel that way. I have changed MY way of thinking. I have learned that I cannot change the way Jean treats people or the irritating way others act, but I can change the way I react to these situations. I can go home knowing I did my best for the day. I have learned to feel great about the people that I work with. Now, I won’t pretend that everyone here is perfect and I just can’t wait to see everyone every day, but there are a few people that I love talking to. I know if I left today, I have a few people I would still talk to and be friends with. That makes me feel great.
It’s amazing how much your own attitude can reflect in how your day goes. It’s easy to get irritated and upset. It takes a better person to dust off their shoulder and keep moving along.
Most people don’t know, but I have been pretty sick for the last month or two. My crohn’s has come back and it doesn’t have much sympathy for me. I have found a new doctor and just pray that he will know the best way to treat me and my unique case. Please pray that my tests on Friday go well and that he comes up with a great way to get me better. I am very tired and irritable right now, but making the best of it. I just wish it was over. I know this is going to be here for the rest of my life, I just want to find the best possible way to live with it.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
All over again!?
I met a new doctor today. My Crohn's doctor retired, so I was left with mundane task of finding another. I HATE meeting new doctors. I usually see through all their BS and just want to find one that really cares about people. I met three before finding one I liked the first time. The two I didn't like were referred to me from friends/family. I decided to get referrals this time around, again.
This doctor seems great to me and he is the first one I met! He sat down and re-explained everything about crohn's, the way he would for a new patient. He said he wasn't sure what all I have been told or not been told, so he would start at the beginning. He went as far as getting a picture of a body and showing me where food starts traveling from the esophagus to the colon. He was really thorough. He answered all of the questions I had. He even told me that he would allow me to stay on the medicine I am on (even though he would NEVER have recommended it to me). It has not been studied enough, so he wouldn't use it. He was even surprised that the asacol and the steroid I was on even worked. He said that these meds are for the colon, not for the parts where I have crohns.
Then he went through my chart and asked about family history in colon cancer, etc. That's when he stopped and looked at my brothers diagnoses. He asked "This is your brother? He's 27?" I told him that he was and that I am sure his doctors had the same confused look on their faces when they read the results to his numerous tests. He said the word rare quite a few times. He asked me what symptoms my brother was having. Although I wasn't there when he went to the hospital, I did talk to him quite a bit that weekend, so I explained his main complaints and how his lymph nodes were swollen. My doctor was amazed, speechless.
We went on to discuss my disease. He doesn't have any scans or records, so I had to give him all of the information that I had. That's when it happened, the confused look again. He mentioned the word rare a few more times. I mean A FEW more times as we went through my vitamin D levels being low, but my calcium being normal, my crohn's being in the middle part of my small intestines, and the kicker - my crohn's in my esophagus. He stopped and asked me if I knew how many people has crohn's in their esophagus. I told him I was told 5% of patients, he quickly answered "less". At this point I start getting nervous and asked if there is a chance I was misdiagnosed. He highly doubts it, he doesn't seem too concerned.
After hearing how these meds shouldn't work on where I have been told my disease is, I am a little hopeful that maybe I don't truly have crohn's. Maybe I have something much simpler. I know, wishful thinking. It's worth the thought for the next couple months. It will help get me through all of the tests. I have so many tests coming up in the next few weeks. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me!! Maybe this will get me treated a better way. I am very hopeful that he will be the right doctor. Him combined with my RN Rhonda may be the crohn's dream team! If not, who knows, I may be in Orlando to meet the holistic doctor soon!! I feel like I am going through the same things to get diagnosed again, I hope it's worth it.
Please keep me in your prayers the next month, through all my tests.
Also, please keep my mother-in-law in your prayers. She is having a mass removed from her nose/throat cavity next week. We are praying the biopsy comes back benign.
This doctor seems great to me and he is the first one I met! He sat down and re-explained everything about crohn's, the way he would for a new patient. He said he wasn't sure what all I have been told or not been told, so he would start at the beginning. He went as far as getting a picture of a body and showing me where food starts traveling from the esophagus to the colon. He was really thorough. He answered all of the questions I had. He even told me that he would allow me to stay on the medicine I am on (even though he would NEVER have recommended it to me). It has not been studied enough, so he wouldn't use it. He was even surprised that the asacol and the steroid I was on even worked. He said that these meds are for the colon, not for the parts where I have crohns.
Then he went through my chart and asked about family history in colon cancer, etc. That's when he stopped and looked at my brothers diagnoses. He asked "This is your brother? He's 27?" I told him that he was and that I am sure his doctors had the same confused look on their faces when they read the results to his numerous tests. He said the word rare quite a few times. He asked me what symptoms my brother was having. Although I wasn't there when he went to the hospital, I did talk to him quite a bit that weekend, so I explained his main complaints and how his lymph nodes were swollen. My doctor was amazed, speechless.
We went on to discuss my disease. He doesn't have any scans or records, so I had to give him all of the information that I had. That's when it happened, the confused look again. He mentioned the word rare a few more times. I mean A FEW more times as we went through my vitamin D levels being low, but my calcium being normal, my crohn's being in the middle part of my small intestines, and the kicker - my crohn's in my esophagus. He stopped and asked me if I knew how many people has crohn's in their esophagus. I told him I was told 5% of patients, he quickly answered "less". At this point I start getting nervous and asked if there is a chance I was misdiagnosed. He highly doubts it, he doesn't seem too concerned.
After hearing how these meds shouldn't work on where I have been told my disease is, I am a little hopeful that maybe I don't truly have crohn's. Maybe I have something much simpler. I know, wishful thinking. It's worth the thought for the next couple months. It will help get me through all of the tests. I have so many tests coming up in the next few weeks. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me!! Maybe this will get me treated a better way. I am very hopeful that he will be the right doctor. Him combined with my RN Rhonda may be the crohn's dream team! If not, who knows, I may be in Orlando to meet the holistic doctor soon!! I feel like I am going through the same things to get diagnosed again, I hope it's worth it.
Please keep me in your prayers the next month, through all my tests.
Also, please keep my mother-in-law in your prayers. She is having a mass removed from her nose/throat cavity next week. We are praying the biopsy comes back benign.
Monday, July 12, 2010
And it keeps on going....
I have had a pretty good weekend after my small breakdown on Friday. Saturday we had a great time at Justin and Jessica's wedding. We were surrounded by great people and HIGHLY entertained! These people are hilarious! Sunday was followed by a GREAT church service. Sometimes I think they just won't give up until I am fully crying. It was amazing though. It was like God was responding to all of heartache on Friday.
"You don't have to be perfect, that's what grace is for. You just have to try." - Fred Rodkey
This statement was the most freeing statement I had heard all weekend. It was like God was saying it didn't matter what people here on earth thought about me. 1) God always loves me. 2) If I screw up, he forgives me. 3) Even if people here don't know, God always knows where my heart is. He knows that I never want to hurt anyone and that I want to do good in all things.
After church we had family and friends over at our house and had a great evening.
At lunch today, Dad called and said he would come over for dinner tomorrow. He told me that he and Vicki went to Dairy Queen yesterday. It warmed my heart to hear that he is getting out of the house and doing so well. He said all of his stitches and wounds seem to be healing great. He sounded very excited.
Then, it happened... My mother-in-law called to let us know that she was taken to the hospital today. My heart just dropped. I really didn't know what to say, I was shocked. She told me that she had chest pains throughout the night and today. They are running tests to see if she is or was about to have a heart attack. I told her that we love her and asked her to keep us updated. I feel bad we are so far away. I would love to leave and go be with her. I immediately called Chad to let him know. We are both on edge and waiting for an updated. I know we both feel so helpless. Praying is the best thing we can do, and we are definitely doing it.
I can feel myself being pulled thin again. There are ways for me to stay healthy and be ready to help the family. I am going to concentrate on staying healthy and alert for all of our family!
Please continue to pray for my brother, my dad, my mother in law, my mom, Chad, and I. We need all the strength we can get.
"You don't have to be perfect, that's what grace is for. You just have to try." - Fred Rodkey
This statement was the most freeing statement I had heard all weekend. It was like God was saying it didn't matter what people here on earth thought about me. 1) God always loves me. 2) If I screw up, he forgives me. 3) Even if people here don't know, God always knows where my heart is. He knows that I never want to hurt anyone and that I want to do good in all things.
After church we had family and friends over at our house and had a great evening.
At lunch today, Dad called and said he would come over for dinner tomorrow. He told me that he and Vicki went to Dairy Queen yesterday. It warmed my heart to hear that he is getting out of the house and doing so well. He said all of his stitches and wounds seem to be healing great. He sounded very excited.
Then, it happened... My mother-in-law called to let us know that she was taken to the hospital today. My heart just dropped. I really didn't know what to say, I was shocked. She told me that she had chest pains throughout the night and today. They are running tests to see if she is or was about to have a heart attack. I told her that we love her and asked her to keep us updated. I feel bad we are so far away. I would love to leave and go be with her. I immediately called Chad to let him know. We are both on edge and waiting for an updated. I know we both feel so helpless. Praying is the best thing we can do, and we are definitely doing it.
I can feel myself being pulled thin again. There are ways for me to stay healthy and be ready to help the family. I am going to concentrate on staying healthy and alert for all of our family!
Please continue to pray for my brother, my dad, my mother in law, my mom, Chad, and I. We need all the strength we can get.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Amazing Family
My last blog was not meant for close family. I would never expect John, Dad, Cat, Mom, Vicki, or anyone else just as close to these two men to ask how I am doing. You five people are handling all of this stress amazingly. I am so thankful all of you are in my life.
Cat and Vicki are doing an AMAZING job of taking care of my men! I am so thankful they found women to stand by their side through all of this. The year I took care of my dad was one of the toughest times in my life. I feel like I went through it in autodrive. I am sure the two of you are extremely tired and are far past the "autodrive" point. I won't pretend to know exactly what you are going through, but I am here for you to rant to, anytime you need it. I can never thank you enough for what you two do for my family.
John, you are an amazing inspiration. I never imagined I would look up to you on what a marriage should be like. The love you share with Cat is admirable. I pray that Chad and I never have to go through what you guys are going through. I also pray that if we ever have to, we have half the love you two do to get through it. You have always been a great example to follow and I couldn't ask for a better brother to share all of my experiences with. You are simply amazing!
Dad, you have always believed in me, loved me, and forgiven me through all my life experiences. Helping you through your first round of cancer could NEVER repay you for the life you have given me. You always tell me that you can't thank me enough, well I can't thank you enough for being the father you have been to me. You have taught me so much about what life is really about and helped me make smart choices. I am forever in debt to you! I don't know how it feels to be fighting such a terrible disease, then find out your son has to fight the same battle. Just know that I will always be a rock for you when needed.
I always know the two of you are there for me in an instant. It's great to know I have such strong men behind me!
Mom, the way you are handling yourself through what is every parents biggest fear, is incredible. I envy your calmness and caring nature. I know you would love to just move in with John and take care of him and Cat as long as they needed you. Please keep your head up, remember to pray and lean on God's guidance in all of your actions. Thank you for being my sounding board on my hard days. You are the best friend a girl could ask for. I know that you know I am here! I find it incredible that you have given all control over to Cat. As we have talked about, John and Cat are one. They joined when they got married. I think you have done a great job supporting the two of them, but letting Cat be number one. She is doing great at taking care of him and we love to see it.
From the beginning of Chad and I's relationship I haven't always had great relationships with his parents. I am so glad to be able to add them to my amazing family list!! The two of you are second parents to me. I know that you are always there to listen to me and give me encouragement. In some cases, even cry with me. The two of you have really stepped up when I have needed you and I am so appreciative of that. Please know that I am always here and thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your support.
There are many people that aren't "family" that are great supports. I believe you all know who you are and I thank you. I consider most of you family, even without the blood!
I do not know why I went on these rants tonight. I feel like I have so many emotions and I do not know how to get them out. I don't even know that I expressed all of my thoughts. I just know that I have some really great people in my life that I couldn't thank enough.
I know that I am losing friendships, but I also know that new ones are being built through my new support system. I am mourning my past friendships, but really rejoicing in my new ones. You guys are making my days easier and I couldn't say thank you enough times for your kind words!
I really think the "stress" is hitting me tonight. I am always so strong and tonight I am realizing that I have to let myself feel the pain and deal with my emotions. I feel like I might explode.
God Bless!
Cat and Vicki are doing an AMAZING job of taking care of my men! I am so thankful they found women to stand by their side through all of this. The year I took care of my dad was one of the toughest times in my life. I feel like I went through it in autodrive. I am sure the two of you are extremely tired and are far past the "autodrive" point. I won't pretend to know exactly what you are going through, but I am here for you to rant to, anytime you need it. I can never thank you enough for what you two do for my family.
John, you are an amazing inspiration. I never imagined I would look up to you on what a marriage should be like. The love you share with Cat is admirable. I pray that Chad and I never have to go through what you guys are going through. I also pray that if we ever have to, we have half the love you two do to get through it. You have always been a great example to follow and I couldn't ask for a better brother to share all of my experiences with. You are simply amazing!
Dad, you have always believed in me, loved me, and forgiven me through all my life experiences. Helping you through your first round of cancer could NEVER repay you for the life you have given me. You always tell me that you can't thank me enough, well I can't thank you enough for being the father you have been to me. You have taught me so much about what life is really about and helped me make smart choices. I am forever in debt to you! I don't know how it feels to be fighting such a terrible disease, then find out your son has to fight the same battle. Just know that I will always be a rock for you when needed.
I always know the two of you are there for me in an instant. It's great to know I have such strong men behind me!
Mom, the way you are handling yourself through what is every parents biggest fear, is incredible. I envy your calmness and caring nature. I know you would love to just move in with John and take care of him and Cat as long as they needed you. Please keep your head up, remember to pray and lean on God's guidance in all of your actions. Thank you for being my sounding board on my hard days. You are the best friend a girl could ask for. I know that you know I am here! I find it incredible that you have given all control over to Cat. As we have talked about, John and Cat are one. They joined when they got married. I think you have done a great job supporting the two of them, but letting Cat be number one. She is doing great at taking care of him and we love to see it.
From the beginning of Chad and I's relationship I haven't always had great relationships with his parents. I am so glad to be able to add them to my amazing family list!! The two of you are second parents to me. I know that you are always there to listen to me and give me encouragement. In some cases, even cry with me. The two of you have really stepped up when I have needed you and I am so appreciative of that. Please know that I am always here and thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your support.
There are many people that aren't "family" that are great supports. I believe you all know who you are and I thank you. I consider most of you family, even without the blood!
I do not know why I went on these rants tonight. I feel like I have so many emotions and I do not know how to get them out. I don't even know that I expressed all of my thoughts. I just know that I have some really great people in my life that I couldn't thank enough.
I know that I am losing friendships, but I also know that new ones are being built through my new support system. I am mourning my past friendships, but really rejoicing in my new ones. You guys are making my days easier and I couldn't say thank you enough times for your kind words!
I really think the "stress" is hitting me tonight. I am always so strong and tonight I am realizing that I have to let myself feel the pain and deal with my emotions. I feel like I might explode.
God Bless!
Raw Emotion - Rambling!!
I love family, friends, strangers. I love all people. I love meeting people! I feel like I accept all people, until something happens for me to no longer trust them. I go into each of my relationships with a huge heart. Sometimes I find fault in my ways. I get hurt by relationships that I build so quickly. I know that I am called by God to love others, be kind, build relationships. I also know that God doesn't mean I should let people treat me bad. I shouldn't hold grudges, sometimes I do.
I have been told lately that I am a tough person to argue with. I get my point across and people don't feel like they can give their point of view. I DO NOT want to be that person! I want everyone to feel welcomed and loved in my presence. To anyone that feel offended or betrayed by me - I am sorry. I have a huge heart and do not want anyone to hurt by my doing. I want everyone to be a little happier and feel better about themselves when they are around me. I feel like there are some relationships that are close to me that are slipping away. If I give advice or tell you my opinion, it's because I love you and want what is best for you. I am not judging you, I am trying to help. I have read some of "Woman are from Venus, Men are from Mars" - it says that men are fixers. If you tell a man a problem he automatically tries to fix it. This frustrates most woman, as they just want to be listened to, not helped (according to the book). Well, I have this "manly" trait. I try to fix EVERYONE's problems. People tell me something that is frustrating them and I tell them how to fix it. If I do this to you and you don't like it, tell me. I will try my best to fix it. I don't want to lose relationships because I offend someone, as I would NEVER want to do that.
I feel like a lot of my "friends" have let me know down lately. I also feel like I shouldn't care. I have so many important things going on in my life. Two of the best men I know are fighting the battle of their lives - cancer. I shouldn't worry about these relationships that are slipping away. There may be a great reason why these relationships are slipping. Maybe they weren't what I thought they were or maybe the people weren't great influences in my life. I have a HUGE support system of family between Chad and my families. I know the people that I can truly count on. Through my dad and brother's illnesses I have been very surprised by just who these people are. To these people, I say Thank You! You don't know how much it means to me when you simply ask "So, how are you doing?" I think most of you would be surprised by the amount of times people forget to ask me that question. A lot of times I get stories as to why this is hard on everyone else. I try to listen and be supportive. I know how many people love these two men. It's a beautiful thing to see.
I try to ALWAYS put on this tough persona. I don't like to cry, especially around others. I do it quietly at home. When my brother was first diagnosed I was numb. I functioned at work and in my daily life. However, when it was time to settle down and be at home, I would sob in my husbands lap. There were nights when we both would sit here crying. We were shocked.
I am not sure why I wrote this out tonight. Like my title says this is raw emotion and just rambling. This is raw emotion I have had for weeks and didn't know how to get it out. If none of this makes sense to you, it's okay, I think it made me feel better to get it out.
I want to clear up a statement earlier. When I say I would like people to ask how I am doing, I am NOT wanting to make all of this about me. I would like people to remember that I am John's sister and my dad's daughter. I have beena round these two my entire life. I HATE seeing them hurt. When they hurt, I hurt. I just don't want people to think I am always a shoulder to cry on. I am not always strong, sometimes it's the hardest thing for me to do, when people want me to listen to how much they are hurting over this. I want to scream and ask if they remember me, John's sister.
As always, please pray for my family. There are so many things we need!
I have been told lately that I am a tough person to argue with. I get my point across and people don't feel like they can give their point of view. I DO NOT want to be that person! I want everyone to feel welcomed and loved in my presence. To anyone that feel offended or betrayed by me - I am sorry. I have a huge heart and do not want anyone to hurt by my doing. I want everyone to be a little happier and feel better about themselves when they are around me. I feel like there are some relationships that are close to me that are slipping away. If I give advice or tell you my opinion, it's because I love you and want what is best for you. I am not judging you, I am trying to help. I have read some of "Woman are from Venus, Men are from Mars" - it says that men are fixers. If you tell a man a problem he automatically tries to fix it. This frustrates most woman, as they just want to be listened to, not helped (according to the book). Well, I have this "manly" trait. I try to fix EVERYONE's problems. People tell me something that is frustrating them and I tell them how to fix it. If I do this to you and you don't like it, tell me. I will try my best to fix it. I don't want to lose relationships because I offend someone, as I would NEVER want to do that.
I feel like a lot of my "friends" have let me know down lately. I also feel like I shouldn't care. I have so many important things going on in my life. Two of the best men I know are fighting the battle of their lives - cancer. I shouldn't worry about these relationships that are slipping away. There may be a great reason why these relationships are slipping. Maybe they weren't what I thought they were or maybe the people weren't great influences in my life. I have a HUGE support system of family between Chad and my families. I know the people that I can truly count on. Through my dad and brother's illnesses I have been very surprised by just who these people are. To these people, I say Thank You! You don't know how much it means to me when you simply ask "So, how are you doing?" I think most of you would be surprised by the amount of times people forget to ask me that question. A lot of times I get stories as to why this is hard on everyone else. I try to listen and be supportive. I know how many people love these two men. It's a beautiful thing to see.
I try to ALWAYS put on this tough persona. I don't like to cry, especially around others. I do it quietly at home. When my brother was first diagnosed I was numb. I functioned at work and in my daily life. However, when it was time to settle down and be at home, I would sob in my husbands lap. There were nights when we both would sit here crying. We were shocked.
I am not sure why I wrote this out tonight. Like my title says this is raw emotion and just rambling. This is raw emotion I have had for weeks and didn't know how to get it out. If none of this makes sense to you, it's okay, I think it made me feel better to get it out.
I want to clear up a statement earlier. When I say I would like people to ask how I am doing, I am NOT wanting to make all of this about me. I would like people to remember that I am John's sister and my dad's daughter. I have beena round these two my entire life. I HATE seeing them hurt. When they hurt, I hurt. I just don't want people to think I am always a shoulder to cry on. I am not always strong, sometimes it's the hardest thing for me to do, when people want me to listen to how much they are hurting over this. I want to scream and ask if they remember me, John's sister.
As always, please pray for my family. There are so many things we need!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Clarify
I want to clarify my last blog. I don't think it came across as I wanted it to. Gossip may not be the correct word for my weakness. I do not gossip behind my family or friends backs. I am actually very loyal to the people I am close to. By gossiping, I mean if I do not like someone (and they know it) I will talk about them to other people. For example, if my mom talks to someone I do not like, I will tell her what I think about that person everytime she mentions them. I need to learn to hold my tongue. Just because I am not a fan of someone doesn't mean that I need to lobby against them and make others feel the same.
God Bless!
God Bless!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Today's Journey
I feel very overwhelmed today. I feel a sense of “being better”. I need to learn to be a better person overall. I get easily irritated by others. Why?! I am not better than anyone, I KNOW that I irritate other people. No one person is exactly alike, so why do I get irritated, I should just embrace our differences and move on. I vow, right now, to try to be better. I will try not to gossip, be slow to anger, and be happy. I am very blessed in life and should be grateful for the things I have.
I am anxiously awaiting a meeting with my boss about my position, where it’s headed, and what we can both expect from each other. I know this meeting will put a lot of my feelings about the company on the table and I pray that it doesn’t back fire. I think I have concluded that I would like to stay with Badger. I have good points for staying, but also good points for leaving. Hopefully these will be resolved in our meeting. I really LOVE my co-workers. Most of the people I work with are great, I am comfortable in my position, it’s a short commute, and I have freedoms I wouldn’t have if I switched to another company. I have been here long enough that I can take the afternoon off for a doctor’s appointment with no questions asked. I still have to clean the bathroom, but I guess I can let that slide.
My boys are on my mind this week, as always. My dad has to have surgery this week. He has to have some repairs done to his leg. The skin that had radiation 5 years ago isn’t healing properly. They are going in to move around some muscles and see if they can repair it. My brother’s blood cell count is low and his lungs are filling up more than they were draining. They now have to drain once a day instead of every other day. He has another appointment today. Please keep him in your prayers.
I have a lot of changes that I am wanting to make in the near future, some are physical, some are spiritual, and some are to the house.
We have quite a bit of painting and decorating to do to the house before Maria comes in town (that’s my goal to be finished). We have purchased the paint for the pool table room and a couple plaques to put up on the wall. I think I am going to make a vintage American Flag to put on the wall. I found one I liked but it was over $100. WOW, it really looked like something I could do! That should finish out that room. We will just need to paint the other rooms and rehang up the décor. We need to finish the landscaping in the back. We have done half of it. We are probably going to wait until it cools off to finish this.
Now on to the physical. Most of you know that I am a lot thinner than I used to be. I want to say this and I want everyone to understand it, “just because you are thin, doesn’t mean you are healthy”. It’s the truth. I am not healthy at all. I don’t work out, I don’t eat right. I am thin because I have a disease. Unfortunately, the disease has a lot to do with me not eating right. Most fruits and vegetables cause my stomach so much pain, that I cannot eat them. Therefore, working out is my only option. We occasionally walk with our neighbors, which is better than what I used to do (nothing), but it still isn’t enough. I have a goal of doing pilates 4 times a week. This isn’t really a huge time sacrifice. The workout only takes 20 minutes each time. I am also going to start eating small meals during the day, instead of three large ones. This should help my crohn’s.
Onto the most difficult, my spiritual health. As most of you know, I am a Christian. I do not say this to boast or for you to look at me any different. It means that I believe that Jesus Christ was sent to earth to show me how to live my life, to die on the cross for me, and to wait for me in heaven. I am so thankful for our awesome God. All he expects from us is for us to read his word, TRY to live our lives the way he says to in his word, pray and tell him when we screw up, and tell others about him. It sounds so simple, yet I screw it up daily. I wish I had a thirst for his word. I don’t, I have to work at it. I have to make a decision to sit down every day and read my Bible. Obviously, from my first paragraph, I screw up a lot. My biggest weakness is gossip. I am always trying to better this side of me and with my husband’s help I have gotten better about it. I have started to learn to open up and tell others about my faith. I don’t understand why I can tell a complete stranger or someone I barely know about my God, but I can’t talk to some of my closest friends and family. It’s something I have to work on.
Wow, this blog is ALL over the place. This is my journey and these are the real issues going on in my life today. Please pray for my growth as a Christian, for the growth of my family’s faith, and my family’s health.
I am anxiously awaiting a meeting with my boss about my position, where it’s headed, and what we can both expect from each other. I know this meeting will put a lot of my feelings about the company on the table and I pray that it doesn’t back fire. I think I have concluded that I would like to stay with Badger. I have good points for staying, but also good points for leaving. Hopefully these will be resolved in our meeting. I really LOVE my co-workers. Most of the people I work with are great, I am comfortable in my position, it’s a short commute, and I have freedoms I wouldn’t have if I switched to another company. I have been here long enough that I can take the afternoon off for a doctor’s appointment with no questions asked. I still have to clean the bathroom, but I guess I can let that slide.
My boys are on my mind this week, as always. My dad has to have surgery this week. He has to have some repairs done to his leg. The skin that had radiation 5 years ago isn’t healing properly. They are going in to move around some muscles and see if they can repair it. My brother’s blood cell count is low and his lungs are filling up more than they were draining. They now have to drain once a day instead of every other day. He has another appointment today. Please keep him in your prayers.
I have a lot of changes that I am wanting to make in the near future, some are physical, some are spiritual, and some are to the house.
We have quite a bit of painting and decorating to do to the house before Maria comes in town (that’s my goal to be finished). We have purchased the paint for the pool table room and a couple plaques to put up on the wall. I think I am going to make a vintage American Flag to put on the wall. I found one I liked but it was over $100. WOW, it really looked like something I could do! That should finish out that room. We will just need to paint the other rooms and rehang up the décor. We need to finish the landscaping in the back. We have done half of it. We are probably going to wait until it cools off to finish this.
Now on to the physical. Most of you know that I am a lot thinner than I used to be. I want to say this and I want everyone to understand it, “just because you are thin, doesn’t mean you are healthy”. It’s the truth. I am not healthy at all. I don’t work out, I don’t eat right. I am thin because I have a disease. Unfortunately, the disease has a lot to do with me not eating right. Most fruits and vegetables cause my stomach so much pain, that I cannot eat them. Therefore, working out is my only option. We occasionally walk with our neighbors, which is better than what I used to do (nothing), but it still isn’t enough. I have a goal of doing pilates 4 times a week. This isn’t really a huge time sacrifice. The workout only takes 20 minutes each time. I am also going to start eating small meals during the day, instead of three large ones. This should help my crohn’s.
Onto the most difficult, my spiritual health. As most of you know, I am a Christian. I do not say this to boast or for you to look at me any different. It means that I believe that Jesus Christ was sent to earth to show me how to live my life, to die on the cross for me, and to wait for me in heaven. I am so thankful for our awesome God. All he expects from us is for us to read his word, TRY to live our lives the way he says to in his word, pray and tell him when we screw up, and tell others about him. It sounds so simple, yet I screw it up daily. I wish I had a thirst for his word. I don’t, I have to work at it. I have to make a decision to sit down every day and read my Bible. Obviously, from my first paragraph, I screw up a lot. My biggest weakness is gossip. I am always trying to better this side of me and with my husband’s help I have gotten better about it. I have started to learn to open up and tell others about my faith. I don’t understand why I can tell a complete stranger or someone I barely know about my God, but I can’t talk to some of my closest friends and family. It’s something I have to work on.
Wow, this blog is ALL over the place. This is my journey and these are the real issues going on in my life today. Please pray for my growth as a Christian, for the growth of my family’s faith, and my family’s health.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Memorial Weekend
Our weekends are usually filled with craziness. I am going here and there, Chad is almost always headed in a different direction and we meet back for dinner. This weekend was totally different, and I LOVED it. Chad got off work pretty late on Friday, but that didn't stop us. We met at my dad's to clean out his gutters. This was a task. I had never cleaned gutters and, oh boy, I don't want to do it again. YUCK! We got through it though and I know it helped Dad and Vicki a lot. I am so happy that they call when they need something. I want to help so bad, but there usually isn't anything I can do. We are happy to help. We were supposed to lay flooring at my father in laws house, but since Chad didn't get off until 7:30 it was late when we finished the gutters and hanging out at my dad's. We still went to his house and hung out for about an hour. I have to say, when Chad and I started dating his dad and I didn't have the best relationship. This has changed so much and I really enjoy his company.
On Saturday and Sunday we got up early to lay some landscaping bricks around the backyard. We got more than we thought done and I am thrilled. It's not close to done, but it's a great start. For anyone that knows me well, you know that I don't do manual labor - AT ALL! I laughed and told him that he should take a picture, there is not way either of our mom's would believe this!
We cleaned the house on Sunday after landscaping and had our neighbors, mom, and grandparents over for a cookout. It was a good time. We got to relax and just enjoy everyone's company.
Monday we finally got to do the flooring at his dad's house. That was an experience. The first two rows took longer to do than the last 15 they did. They are both very impatient. I sat back and laughed when I got there. Finally they got in a groove and it started going smoothly. We will be going back to finish. He has a couple things to do before we can finish.
Again, none of this is like me! I do not lift things, sit outside, or sweat. It was amazing to me how I didn't mind doing any of this as long as my wonderful husband was doing it along side of me. It was fun to work so hard together. I know I didn't do half as much as him, but he did say that I did a lot more than he expected!
Staying busy was a good thing for me this weekend. It helped keep my mind off my brother. He has now been in the hospital for a week. I have thought about him so much this last week. He had so much fluid in his lungs. They were empty on Saturday, but more fluid came up on Monday. I believe he is having a surgery today to get a tube put in that he can use at home to release the fluid. I sure hope he gets to go home where he is comfortable. We are all praying for him here at home and are so worried about it. Today I realize that maybe he doesn't know how much I think about him and care about him. I do not call him, because I don't want to wake him or bother him. I just send a text here and there to let him know I am here and hopefully get an update on his condition. I am going to start calling him more often to check on him and let him know I am thinking of him. I am shooting for daily or every other day. I hope he doesn't mind, I just want to have the most up to date information and help anyway I can. It's hard being so far away, but there is definitely a piece of my heart down in that hospital room. I hope he knows that!
Of course, after having this wonderful weekend the devil tried to sneak in. He couldn't stand the great time Chad and I had together. He put doubts in my mind about Chad and I. It was very odd, because that has never happened before. I was sitting there around the fire we had on Sunday night and it was just Chad and I. We were sitting across from each other so I asked him to move next to me. We met in the middle and were sitting there. I started getting upset because we were just sitting there, not holding hands or really talking. I starting thinking - does he really love me? Again, I have NEVER had these thoughts before. I prayed for a second asking God what this was about and to show me how we can communicate better, etc. I want our marriage to be the best it can be and I know God is right there with us. I asked God to show both of us what we can do to make it better. Right after I got done praying Chad put the fire out because the grass was getting too hot - we have to put pavers under the pit. We went inside and laid on the couch together. He put his arm around me and we laid there watching TV. I realized that we do love eachother - a lot. We are a more mature couple and sometimes just sitting together is enough. We worked so hard together all weekend, we had fun, we joked, we accomplished a lot. Why would I doubt what we have? God has shown me many little things since that night and I realized how much he does value me. Even though he doesn't say it every minute, he does love me. He shows me by the little things he does for me. My marriage is great and I love him more than anything else on earth.
God is good!
On Saturday and Sunday we got up early to lay some landscaping bricks around the backyard. We got more than we thought done and I am thrilled. It's not close to done, but it's a great start. For anyone that knows me well, you know that I don't do manual labor - AT ALL! I laughed and told him that he should take a picture, there is not way either of our mom's would believe this!
We cleaned the house on Sunday after landscaping and had our neighbors, mom, and grandparents over for a cookout. It was a good time. We got to relax and just enjoy everyone's company.
Monday we finally got to do the flooring at his dad's house. That was an experience. The first two rows took longer to do than the last 15 they did. They are both very impatient. I sat back and laughed when I got there. Finally they got in a groove and it started going smoothly. We will be going back to finish. He has a couple things to do before we can finish.
Again, none of this is like me! I do not lift things, sit outside, or sweat. It was amazing to me how I didn't mind doing any of this as long as my wonderful husband was doing it along side of me. It was fun to work so hard together. I know I didn't do half as much as him, but he did say that I did a lot more than he expected!
Staying busy was a good thing for me this weekend. It helped keep my mind off my brother. He has now been in the hospital for a week. I have thought about him so much this last week. He had so much fluid in his lungs. They were empty on Saturday, but more fluid came up on Monday. I believe he is having a surgery today to get a tube put in that he can use at home to release the fluid. I sure hope he gets to go home where he is comfortable. We are all praying for him here at home and are so worried about it. Today I realize that maybe he doesn't know how much I think about him and care about him. I do not call him, because I don't want to wake him or bother him. I just send a text here and there to let him know I am here and hopefully get an update on his condition. I am going to start calling him more often to check on him and let him know I am thinking of him. I am shooting for daily or every other day. I hope he doesn't mind, I just want to have the most up to date information and help anyway I can. It's hard being so far away, but there is definitely a piece of my heart down in that hospital room. I hope he knows that!
Of course, after having this wonderful weekend the devil tried to sneak in. He couldn't stand the great time Chad and I had together. He put doubts in my mind about Chad and I. It was very odd, because that has never happened before. I was sitting there around the fire we had on Sunday night and it was just Chad and I. We were sitting across from each other so I asked him to move next to me. We met in the middle and were sitting there. I started getting upset because we were just sitting there, not holding hands or really talking. I starting thinking - does he really love me? Again, I have NEVER had these thoughts before. I prayed for a second asking God what this was about and to show me how we can communicate better, etc. I want our marriage to be the best it can be and I know God is right there with us. I asked God to show both of us what we can do to make it better. Right after I got done praying Chad put the fire out because the grass was getting too hot - we have to put pavers under the pit. We went inside and laid on the couch together. He put his arm around me and we laid there watching TV. I realized that we do love eachother - a lot. We are a more mature couple and sometimes just sitting together is enough. We worked so hard together all weekend, we had fun, we joked, we accomplished a lot. Why would I doubt what we have? God has shown me many little things since that night and I realized how much he does value me. Even though he doesn't say it every minute, he does love me. He shows me by the little things he does for me. My marriage is great and I love him more than anything else on earth.
God is good!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Surprise!!
Last weekend was great. I got to spend Friday night, Saturday night, and part of Sunday with my brother. I loved seeing him happy, playing cards, and hanging out with family and friends. It was just like the old days. Sunday I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with them, John was really tired from the weekend events, but just knowing he was there felt great!! It was bitter sweet. It was great having John and Cat home to see whenever I pleased, but seeing them leave was one of the hardest thing I have done in a while. It generally doesn’t affect me when they leave. With John being sick, it’s hard to see him go, I don’t know when the next time I will be seeing him is. That’s hard! I think a lot of you would agree, we all want them to move home. All of the love and support they get from us would be greater if they were here to feel it more. I miss my best friend.
I have been sick for the last few weeks, from my crohn’s. The stress has really gotten to me. In this time I have realized that my house does not have to be perfect and spotless every time someone walks in the door. I don’t have a lot of energy and I would rather spend it sitting at the kitchen table with my husband while he has dinner, than vacuuming and mopping every day. I keep the house picked up, but spotless is not necessary. I will get to the dusting, when I feel like it. We live in our home and I don’t have to be ashamed of that. It’s a relief to be able to do this, I don’t have to worry about being perfect and I love it. Side note – Chad hasn’t noticed one bit. I really think I only did it for myself!
Our lovely neighbors were a HUGE stress relief yesterday. I got home from work, ready to clean, and to my surprise Nicole and baby Tyler were in their front yard. I gave up the cleaning and went to sit under their tree and talk for a bit. It felt great! We decided that when the guys got home we were going to go on a walk. We went our separate ways, ate dinner, I cleaned a little, and we met back in the driveway for a little stroll. Walking with these two is not the same as just Chad and I. They know EVERYONE! It’s hilarious. We really enjoy their company and I know it’s good for us to get out there with great people. It always leaves us feeling better when we are with them.
We have a lot of plans for this weekend and I pray my crohn’s doesn’t screw it up. We plan to do a lot of landscaping in the backyard. Once the backyard is done I am transporting the plants from the front to the back. I don’t know exactly what I will do in the front, but hopefully it’s better than it is now. The plants I have upfront are just not right for the space. I can’t wait to get our house DONE! I mean landscaping, painting, decorating. We have been here three years and it’s still not finished, it drives me nuts!! We want to get the landscape done before it gets too hot. This summer on the too hot days, when you don’t want to go outside, we plan on finishing the painting. My official goal is to have everything completed by Thanksgiving, when Chad’s mom will be coming to town for the first time 1.5 years.
Please pray for my brother, dad, mom, Chad, Cat, and me. We need all the support we can get.
I have been sick for the last few weeks, from my crohn’s. The stress has really gotten to me. In this time I have realized that my house does not have to be perfect and spotless every time someone walks in the door. I don’t have a lot of energy and I would rather spend it sitting at the kitchen table with my husband while he has dinner, than vacuuming and mopping every day. I keep the house picked up, but spotless is not necessary. I will get to the dusting, when I feel like it. We live in our home and I don’t have to be ashamed of that. It’s a relief to be able to do this, I don’t have to worry about being perfect and I love it. Side note – Chad hasn’t noticed one bit. I really think I only did it for myself!
Our lovely neighbors were a HUGE stress relief yesterday. I got home from work, ready to clean, and to my surprise Nicole and baby Tyler were in their front yard. I gave up the cleaning and went to sit under their tree and talk for a bit. It felt great! We decided that when the guys got home we were going to go on a walk. We went our separate ways, ate dinner, I cleaned a little, and we met back in the driveway for a little stroll. Walking with these two is not the same as just Chad and I. They know EVERYONE! It’s hilarious. We really enjoy their company and I know it’s good for us to get out there with great people. It always leaves us feeling better when we are with them.
We have a lot of plans for this weekend and I pray my crohn’s doesn’t screw it up. We plan to do a lot of landscaping in the backyard. Once the backyard is done I am transporting the plants from the front to the back. I don’t know exactly what I will do in the front, but hopefully it’s better than it is now. The plants I have upfront are just not right for the space. I can’t wait to get our house DONE! I mean landscaping, painting, decorating. We have been here three years and it’s still not finished, it drives me nuts!! We want to get the landscape done before it gets too hot. This summer on the too hot days, when you don’t want to go outside, we plan on finishing the painting. My official goal is to have everything completed by Thanksgiving, when Chad’s mom will be coming to town for the first time 1.5 years.
Please pray for my brother, dad, mom, Chad, Cat, and me. We need all the support we can get.
Monday, May 10, 2010
If you hang out with garbage, you start smelling like trash..
I have a small addiction to trashy reality TV. I don't have a lot of drama in my life and I guess I get my fix on TV. I am not so proud of this. I really like the Real Housewives series. My husband tells me to stop watching it, that I am the reason it's still on TV. If I and all the stupid people in the country quit watching it, they will not produce it any more. He's correct, because a lot of these woman are not positive influences in our lives. They are full of drama, hate, and crude remarks. One of them, on Real Housewives of New Jersey, really got me this weekend. The episode hasn't even aired yet, I saw this on a preview and it made me think. Caroline said "If you hang out with garbage, you start smelling like trash". I am not sure that's the exact quote, but that's what sticks out in my mind. It's definitely true. If you hang around negative people, you will be negative. I know I will struggle with this, but I will try to not be a negative influence on anyone in my life. I will try to refrain from gossip, venting, or just being mean. I will do what I am called to do, love others as I am loved.
I started today the way I start everyday. Get up, feed the dog, get ready for work, pray. I pray every morning, I need God to guide me all day, every day. Today started off negative. I am generally not a negative person. I am happy and like to see everyone else happy too. As my family struggles with everything we are going through I find it a good way to keep myself grounded. Why be miserable all the time. If I cried and was grumpy every time I went to see Dad or talked to John, how would that help them? I have made it my mission to be upbeat and happy at all times with them.
A coworker came in my office this morning, the first thing out of my mouth was (almost) negative. I was going to talk about someone in the office that bothers me. I can't even remember the situation (shows how important it was). I thought to myself first, why bring her down? She seems like she is in a good mood. I believe that one negative comment could have changed the whole atmosphere in the office. If I had said something negative, then it may make her a little grumpy, then she could do that to someone else, and so on. Why would I want that to start with me. Is that who I am? I am supposed to be a leader for God. I am supposed to mimick, all day, what a Christian is supposed to be.
So to the people I have offended, I am sorry. For the people I gossip to, I am sorry. For the people I have brought down to my level in the past, I am sorry. This is my past and I will pray everyday to have this NOT be my future. I am better than this and I can't beat it.
I started today the way I start everyday. Get up, feed the dog, get ready for work, pray. I pray every morning, I need God to guide me all day, every day. Today started off negative. I am generally not a negative person. I am happy and like to see everyone else happy too. As my family struggles with everything we are going through I find it a good way to keep myself grounded. Why be miserable all the time. If I cried and was grumpy every time I went to see Dad or talked to John, how would that help them? I have made it my mission to be upbeat and happy at all times with them.
A coworker came in my office this morning, the first thing out of my mouth was (almost) negative. I was going to talk about someone in the office that bothers me. I can't even remember the situation (shows how important it was). I thought to myself first, why bring her down? She seems like she is in a good mood. I believe that one negative comment could have changed the whole atmosphere in the office. If I had said something negative, then it may make her a little grumpy, then she could do that to someone else, and so on. Why would I want that to start with me. Is that who I am? I am supposed to be a leader for God. I am supposed to mimick, all day, what a Christian is supposed to be.
So to the people I have offended, I am sorry. For the people I gossip to, I am sorry. For the people I have brought down to my level in the past, I am sorry. This is my past and I will pray everyday to have this NOT be my future. I am better than this and I can't beat it.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Worst Joke
Today as I was speaking with a co-worker he said something that most of us probably would have said. It made me realize that each of us need to pay more attention to what we say to eachother. He said "I am dying of cell phone cancer". Well the words dying and cancer are not funny to me, especially when put together. I was not offended or mean to him, as some people may have been. I laughed it off, because I know I have probably said something that insensitive to others, without thinking. Each of us need to challenge ourselves to think before we talk. The saying "Be slow to speak and quick to listen" needs to be in the front of all of our minds.
This has been a hard week on me. At the end of last week Chad, my mom, and I traveled to visit my brother. This trip was difficult. I guess I didn't know just how difficult it was until I got home. I know I teared up a few times when we were there on Thursday, especially when I went to the "doctor" with my brother. He seemed frail and that's not the brother I know. I know his body is going through a lot right now and I expected what I saw, it just hit me sitting in that office. It's a good thing I had sunglasses on! I had fun playing games and hanging out with John when he felt up to it. I caught up on a lot of sleep while John was not feeling so well. It wasn't an eventful trip, but it meant a lot to me. Once I got home I realized how much I miss being around my brother. Even when he is so sick, we have fun together. We can still make each other smile and laugh even through the hard times.
I want to update everyone on my mother in law. The mass they found in her breast ended up being nothing to worry about. Huge PRAISE for that! She is doing very well and we couldn't be happier.
Chad is an amazing husband. He fought his fear of flying and took that trip with me. He loves my brother and as soon as he heard John say he wanted Chad to come too he was taking time off and booking a flight. Chad is so calm about everything. If John wants to share, Chad will listen. Chad doesn't push for information, like us girls did. I think John appreciates that. Chad treats him normal and I KNOW he needs that.
Chad and I have been through so much the last couple weeks with my dad having surgery, visiting my brother, worrying about his mom, and me being sick (of course, I get a flare up the day we are leaving for Orlando). I don't know how I could make it through all of this without him by my side. I could never repay him for the love and support he has always shown me through my families illnesses. I have saved and saved the past few weeks and have made reservations to take Chad to his favorite restaurant - St. Elmo's. He deserves so much more, but I am happy that I can at least do that for him. He has been my rock for the last 5 years and I could never repay that. I just pray God keeps giving Chad patience to deal with my sickness, loss of energy, and emotions dealing with my dad and brother.
As I always do, I am ending asking for prayer. My dad and brother both need strength, determination, and healing to get through this time. I also pray for healing for myself as I need to get healthy to help out my boys! Prayer for my mom to stay strong. Prayer for Chad to continue possessing this great patience he has with me and the love he shows me everyday. Prayers for all our family and friends to keep showing us your love and devotion. It's amazing to see how much we mean to each of you and I can't think everyone enough for their prayers and love!
This has been a hard week on me. At the end of last week Chad, my mom, and I traveled to visit my brother. This trip was difficult. I guess I didn't know just how difficult it was until I got home. I know I teared up a few times when we were there on Thursday, especially when I went to the "doctor" with my brother. He seemed frail and that's not the brother I know. I know his body is going through a lot right now and I expected what I saw, it just hit me sitting in that office. It's a good thing I had sunglasses on! I had fun playing games and hanging out with John when he felt up to it. I caught up on a lot of sleep while John was not feeling so well. It wasn't an eventful trip, but it meant a lot to me. Once I got home I realized how much I miss being around my brother. Even when he is so sick, we have fun together. We can still make each other smile and laugh even through the hard times.
I want to update everyone on my mother in law. The mass they found in her breast ended up being nothing to worry about. Huge PRAISE for that! She is doing very well and we couldn't be happier.
Chad is an amazing husband. He fought his fear of flying and took that trip with me. He loves my brother and as soon as he heard John say he wanted Chad to come too he was taking time off and booking a flight. Chad is so calm about everything. If John wants to share, Chad will listen. Chad doesn't push for information, like us girls did. I think John appreciates that. Chad treats him normal and I KNOW he needs that.
Chad and I have been through so much the last couple weeks with my dad having surgery, visiting my brother, worrying about his mom, and me being sick (of course, I get a flare up the day we are leaving for Orlando). I don't know how I could make it through all of this without him by my side. I could never repay him for the love and support he has always shown me through my families illnesses. I have saved and saved the past few weeks and have made reservations to take Chad to his favorite restaurant - St. Elmo's. He deserves so much more, but I am happy that I can at least do that for him. He has been my rock for the last 5 years and I could never repay that. I just pray God keeps giving Chad patience to deal with my sickness, loss of energy, and emotions dealing with my dad and brother.
As I always do, I am ending asking for prayer. My dad and brother both need strength, determination, and healing to get through this time. I also pray for healing for myself as I need to get healthy to help out my boys! Prayer for my mom to stay strong. Prayer for Chad to continue possessing this great patience he has with me and the love he shows me everyday. Prayers for all our family and friends to keep showing us your love and devotion. It's amazing to see how much we mean to each of you and I can't think everyone enough for their prayers and love!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Regrets
Holidays have been weighing on my mind very heavily lately. I know it's because of all the sickness in my family right now. I just hate that we can't spend every second of every holiday with each of our family members. I can't even remember the last time I spent a holiday with my brother. I haven't seen him on an actual holiday since he moved from Indiana. It breaks my heart to think that the last Christmas ever spent with my brother being healthy could have been over four years ago and I didn't even know it. I don't even remember it. I can't treasure the memory of it.
I hate to think that something could happen to one of our parents and we don't see them on each holiday either. It's so hard that all of our parents don't get along. I have always thought when we got married we would have all day events for holidays at our house with each of Chad's parents and each of my parents with all of our siblings (real and step) coming in and out all day. I know we all have different personalities, but we can't put our differences aside for the happiness of eachother. Again, it breaks my heart. I try to have a Thanksgiving tradition with my mom, because she spends each Thanksgiving home alone. Our tradition is the Monday after Thanksgiving. It hurts me to know she is there alone, not even eating turkey. Last year, it broke Chad and I's heart to know that his dad was all alone on Thanksgiving. My dad did invite him over, but he didn't make it. He did get to go to dinner with his sister. We have come up with a solution for his dad. Each year now, we are having his mom come into Indiana for Thanksgiving and his dad will spend the day with us and Chad's mom and stepdad. This doesn't solve the issue of seeing my parents on Thanksgiving. Neither of my parents will come over that day. One is not allowed and one will be doing their own thing and would rather not. Really, we are called a family. I just don't get it. I think everyone should take a long hard look at what's important - the petty differences or the love everyone has for Chad and I?
For Easter each year we go to church and spend about an hour to hour and half with each of our parents that are in town. That is just not enough time. Again, if we could just make a huge meal and have people in and out at their own leisure, I would be thrilled. I hate that Chad's mom isn't here to spend these holidays with us. It would be impossible for us to go there for each holiday, we wouldn't be able to see everyone else.
Back to our siblings. I know I am new to Chad's family and its always been this way, but I hate that we only see Chuck and Emily once or twice a year. I hate that we have Christmas in February. Christmas 2008 was given to their family in September 2009. How is that even possible? We never know how limited our time here is, I think we should all make a better effort to be in eachothers lives. Last time I saw Nathan he was crawling, this time he is walking and talking. How did we miss out in all of that?
I love each sides of our family and wish we could do more together. Holidays stress us out, because I want to be sure to give each parent their fair share of time. We don't get to relax, we run from house to house. It's exhausting.
Last night we found out that Chad's mom had a lump found in her breast. She goes in on Monday for a CT scan to check it out on more magnified scale. We are praying, praying that its not cancer. Please pray for a good result! I am not sure Chad and I can handle anymore bad news. Each year, we try to see Chad's mom twice a year. Last year it wasn't possible, but at Thanksgiving last year we decided to make it a priority and it will happen each year from here on out. Although she only sees us twice in a year, we are there for days at a time. I actually think all together she sees us as much in a year as our parents in town do. That's great news for her, but what's that say about Chad and I? We obviously need to make each of our parents a priority. We can go a month without seeing any of our Indy parents and if we do it's only for an hour or two at a time. Maria gets us nonstop for four or five days at a time. I am glad we have now made her a priority. I will be working on making the other three parent a priority as well.
Please pray for our family. We need to remember the forgiveness and mercy God has for us. We are called to reflect that same love and mercy onto others. I pray that each of our parents can reflect that same mercy onto eachother and at least get along for the sake of Chad and I. Please also pray that Chad and I get our priorities together and make sure our parents are high on the list. I just don't want regrets in the end...
I hate to think that something could happen to one of our parents and we don't see them on each holiday either. It's so hard that all of our parents don't get along. I have always thought when we got married we would have all day events for holidays at our house with each of Chad's parents and each of my parents with all of our siblings (real and step) coming in and out all day. I know we all have different personalities, but we can't put our differences aside for the happiness of eachother. Again, it breaks my heart. I try to have a Thanksgiving tradition with my mom, because she spends each Thanksgiving home alone. Our tradition is the Monday after Thanksgiving. It hurts me to know she is there alone, not even eating turkey. Last year, it broke Chad and I's heart to know that his dad was all alone on Thanksgiving. My dad did invite him over, but he didn't make it. He did get to go to dinner with his sister. We have come up with a solution for his dad. Each year now, we are having his mom come into Indiana for Thanksgiving and his dad will spend the day with us and Chad's mom and stepdad. This doesn't solve the issue of seeing my parents on Thanksgiving. Neither of my parents will come over that day. One is not allowed and one will be doing their own thing and would rather not. Really, we are called a family. I just don't get it. I think everyone should take a long hard look at what's important - the petty differences or the love everyone has for Chad and I?
For Easter each year we go to church and spend about an hour to hour and half with each of our parents that are in town. That is just not enough time. Again, if we could just make a huge meal and have people in and out at their own leisure, I would be thrilled. I hate that Chad's mom isn't here to spend these holidays with us. It would be impossible for us to go there for each holiday, we wouldn't be able to see everyone else.
Back to our siblings. I know I am new to Chad's family and its always been this way, but I hate that we only see Chuck and Emily once or twice a year. I hate that we have Christmas in February. Christmas 2008 was given to their family in September 2009. How is that even possible? We never know how limited our time here is, I think we should all make a better effort to be in eachothers lives. Last time I saw Nathan he was crawling, this time he is walking and talking. How did we miss out in all of that?
I love each sides of our family and wish we could do more together. Holidays stress us out, because I want to be sure to give each parent their fair share of time. We don't get to relax, we run from house to house. It's exhausting.
Last night we found out that Chad's mom had a lump found in her breast. She goes in on Monday for a CT scan to check it out on more magnified scale. We are praying, praying that its not cancer. Please pray for a good result! I am not sure Chad and I can handle anymore bad news. Each year, we try to see Chad's mom twice a year. Last year it wasn't possible, but at Thanksgiving last year we decided to make it a priority and it will happen each year from here on out. Although she only sees us twice in a year, we are there for days at a time. I actually think all together she sees us as much in a year as our parents in town do. That's great news for her, but what's that say about Chad and I? We obviously need to make each of our parents a priority. We can go a month without seeing any of our Indy parents and if we do it's only for an hour or two at a time. Maria gets us nonstop for four or five days at a time. I am glad we have now made her a priority. I will be working on making the other three parent a priority as well.
Please pray for our family. We need to remember the forgiveness and mercy God has for us. We are called to reflect that same love and mercy onto others. I pray that each of our parents can reflect that same mercy onto eachother and at least get along for the sake of Chad and I. Please also pray that Chad and I get our priorities together and make sure our parents are high on the list. I just don't want regrets in the end...
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
A brave soldier in the war against cancer
Most of you don't know this about my dad, but he "lies". He is hilarious and "lies" about his life. He gets things from the gettin' store, he was in Vietnam, he was in all the World Wars, heck he probably has fake purple hearts stored somewhere to pull out one day and tell us he earned them. He doesn't do this to offend anyone that has really served this great country of ours. He has a deep respect for the people that have. My dad would have loved to be one of those people, both of his brothers were in the military. My dad is almost blind in one eye, so he could not join the military. He sure has more stories than both of my uncles combined. He says he was sent overseas without any basic training, because he was so tough. He was on the front line during the day, but the chef at night, because he has great cooking skills. He learned all of his cooking from the military. He is just a nut. Now that he has a 10" scar down his stomach and he is missing part of his leg, I can just hear the stories he will tell his grandkids. My heart broke when he told me that he had to have this procedure done. It makes me smile to know my kids will hear the same great "lies" I did growing up.
Last night as I walked in to see him for the first time, the anticipation almost got to me. I try to be so strong for both John and Dad, as they have been strong for me many times in my life. I kept myself together to walk in to see him. As soon as I walked in and looked at Dad the nurse pulls up the blankets and I see what's left of his leg. Of course, it's all bandaged up, but it was a very hard thing to see. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
Let's back up for a second. When the surgery was over the doctor came to tell Vicki and I how the surgery went and what to expect in the healing process. I got very nauseas and just held a heavy weight for my dad. The healing process seems terrible. I know this strong man can get through it, as he has so many other surgeries. I just wish I could take just a little bit of the pain away.
Well, back to it hitting me like a ton of bricks. I don't think it's the actual leg missing that bothers me, I think it's the pain I know Dad is feeling mentally and physically. Dad is a protector, that's HIS thing. He needs to be provider and protector. I know he can still do this, especially getting a prosthetic in the next couple months. I don't want Dad to ever feel less of a man because of this. No matter what happens he will always be my hero! He will always be my protector, mentally and physically. Physically, I know my dad will make it. He is the strongest person I have ever met. Mentally, I hope we can all help him get through this and show him what an awesome man he is.
I can't imagine what either my dad or brother are going through right now. I can't imagine being told I have cancer. CANCER, the C word, I can't think of anything worse to hear when you come out of the doctors office. One of my co-workers called the other day and asked me how my brother was doing. I was very blunt and said he isn't doing so well right now. The co-worker said, well at least it's not the C word. I felt like I fell into a million pieces. Everyone knows how terrible this disease is. I just hate it! I can't imagine knowing what it feels like to be told you have cancer, and then having to see your parent or child go through the same painful realization that you did. It makes my stomach weak just thinking about it.
My sister-in-law was the best last night. We laughed at how Dad will walk himself out of the hospital, even with one leg. She said all he needs is a stick and he can get around. I said, heck, he just needs to get a twig off the tree. He just needs it for balance. Of course, we know it's a longer road ahead of us, but it was great to hear just how strong she thinks Dad is as well.
These Goddard men hold my heart in the palms of their hands. I just hate, hate, hate this for them and wish there was something I can do. I again, feel out of control.
A friend of mine gave me an analogy that she leans on when going through hard times. I hope I can say it as well as she did. She said that we are like pottery in the hands of God. He has to mold the pottery, put it in the oven to bake, take it out and mold a little more. Then he bakes it a little longer. Every person is different in how much molding or baking is necessary, but the end result is always the same. A beautiful work of art, made by God. I look forward to when we are all beautiful pieces of art in heaven, when we get to live without disease, heartache, disasters. I can't wait to walk on the streets of gold with my friends and family!
I am trusting in the Lord with all my heart.
Last night as I walked in to see him for the first time, the anticipation almost got to me. I try to be so strong for both John and Dad, as they have been strong for me many times in my life. I kept myself together to walk in to see him. As soon as I walked in and looked at Dad the nurse pulls up the blankets and I see what's left of his leg. Of course, it's all bandaged up, but it was a very hard thing to see. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
Let's back up for a second. When the surgery was over the doctor came to tell Vicki and I how the surgery went and what to expect in the healing process. I got very nauseas and just held a heavy weight for my dad. The healing process seems terrible. I know this strong man can get through it, as he has so many other surgeries. I just wish I could take just a little bit of the pain away.
Well, back to it hitting me like a ton of bricks. I don't think it's the actual leg missing that bothers me, I think it's the pain I know Dad is feeling mentally and physically. Dad is a protector, that's HIS thing. He needs to be provider and protector. I know he can still do this, especially getting a prosthetic in the next couple months. I don't want Dad to ever feel less of a man because of this. No matter what happens he will always be my hero! He will always be my protector, mentally and physically. Physically, I know my dad will make it. He is the strongest person I have ever met. Mentally, I hope we can all help him get through this and show him what an awesome man he is.
I can't imagine what either my dad or brother are going through right now. I can't imagine being told I have cancer. CANCER, the C word, I can't think of anything worse to hear when you come out of the doctors office. One of my co-workers called the other day and asked me how my brother was doing. I was very blunt and said he isn't doing so well right now. The co-worker said, well at least it's not the C word. I felt like I fell into a million pieces. Everyone knows how terrible this disease is. I just hate it! I can't imagine knowing what it feels like to be told you have cancer, and then having to see your parent or child go through the same painful realization that you did. It makes my stomach weak just thinking about it.
My sister-in-law was the best last night. We laughed at how Dad will walk himself out of the hospital, even with one leg. She said all he needs is a stick and he can get around. I said, heck, he just needs to get a twig off the tree. He just needs it for balance. Of course, we know it's a longer road ahead of us, but it was great to hear just how strong she thinks Dad is as well.
These Goddard men hold my heart in the palms of their hands. I just hate, hate, hate this for them and wish there was something I can do. I again, feel out of control.
A friend of mine gave me an analogy that she leans on when going through hard times. I hope I can say it as well as she did. She said that we are like pottery in the hands of God. He has to mold the pottery, put it in the oven to bake, take it out and mold a little more. Then he bakes it a little longer. Every person is different in how much molding or baking is necessary, but the end result is always the same. A beautiful work of art, made by God. I look forward to when we are all beautiful pieces of art in heaven, when we get to live without disease, heartache, disasters. I can't wait to walk on the streets of gold with my friends and family!
I am trusting in the Lord with all my heart.
Monday, April 19, 2010
I am a Christian
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Worry
Does the worrying ever end? I have been anxious all day after finding out John is doing radiation and chemo together. It scares the daylights out of me. I just don't want him to get sick and give up on it. I am continuing to pray for his strength daily. This is going to be the worst thing he has gone through or could imagine going through. I just wish I could be at his side as he struggles.
I slept for a while after work because I just feel exhausted. When Chad walked in I just started crying, then I would laugh at myself for crying for nothing in particular, then I would cry, and so on. I am pretty sure he thinks I am nuts!
After I got over the crying I called Dad to see if he is feeling better. He went back to work last week and got a really bad infection in his leg. He hasn't been feeling well at all.
He met with the surgeon yesterday about removing the tissue in his thigh. The new scans show that the nerve going down his leg now has cancer. If they must remove the nerve he will have to lose half his leg. If he kept the leg he would wear a brace daily and have to drag his foot to walk. Since he wouldn't feel his foot at all, if he got cut or an infection he would have no idea. This could turn into something much more serious. They haven't come out and said they will be removing his leg, but it doesn't sound hopeful to keep it. He is meeting with a plastic surgeon tomorrow. If they do remove half of the leg the plastic surgeon is going to take muscle and tissue from his calf and put it into his leg so that he has mass. He will also even out the skin and get rid of all the scar tissue. This should make it more comfortable for Dad.
Of course, Dad and I both cried while he told me this news. I held out until I heard his voice crack. I just can't stand hearing any of the strong men in my life cry. It makes me feel out of control. If they are worried, then it must be bad. In the last two weeks I have heard/seen all three of them (Chad, Dad, and John) cry. I am pretty sure my Grandpa even teared up when we spoke last weekend. It gives me a terrible feeling in my gut. I know God is the real one in control and I totally trust him. I still like to pretend I can control situations :)
Please pray for my brother, my dad, my husband, my mom, my sister-in-law, my family, me. We are all dealing with this in a different way and we all need different things. God knows what we need, please ask him to give it to us.
My brother needs strength and salvation. My dad needs strength for his next suregery and peace with the decision. My husband needs to know what to do with his emotions and how to be constructive with his faith. My mom needs patients with others and hope for herself. My sister-in-law needs rest and strength to continue to live for my brother during this time. My whole family needs peace and the best way to show compassion for all of us immediate family members, and I need patience with others, as well. I do not have patience for negativity or rudeness. I especially need this at work with my boss. I also need peace knowing that God is taking care of my family and it's all in His hands.
This is just my opinion of what we need and I know we need much more than this small list. I thank each of you for anything you will pray for us.
I slept for a while after work because I just feel exhausted. When Chad walked in I just started crying, then I would laugh at myself for crying for nothing in particular, then I would cry, and so on. I am pretty sure he thinks I am nuts!
After I got over the crying I called Dad to see if he is feeling better. He went back to work last week and got a really bad infection in his leg. He hasn't been feeling well at all.
He met with the surgeon yesterday about removing the tissue in his thigh. The new scans show that the nerve going down his leg now has cancer. If they must remove the nerve he will have to lose half his leg. If he kept the leg he would wear a brace daily and have to drag his foot to walk. Since he wouldn't feel his foot at all, if he got cut or an infection he would have no idea. This could turn into something much more serious. They haven't come out and said they will be removing his leg, but it doesn't sound hopeful to keep it. He is meeting with a plastic surgeon tomorrow. If they do remove half of the leg the plastic surgeon is going to take muscle and tissue from his calf and put it into his leg so that he has mass. He will also even out the skin and get rid of all the scar tissue. This should make it more comfortable for Dad.
Of course, Dad and I both cried while he told me this news. I held out until I heard his voice crack. I just can't stand hearing any of the strong men in my life cry. It makes me feel out of control. If they are worried, then it must be bad. In the last two weeks I have heard/seen all three of them (Chad, Dad, and John) cry. I am pretty sure my Grandpa even teared up when we spoke last weekend. It gives me a terrible feeling in my gut. I know God is the real one in control and I totally trust him. I still like to pretend I can control situations :)
Please pray for my brother, my dad, my husband, my mom, my sister-in-law, my family, me. We are all dealing with this in a different way and we all need different things. God knows what we need, please ask him to give it to us.
My brother needs strength and salvation. My dad needs strength for his next suregery and peace with the decision. My husband needs to know what to do with his emotions and how to be constructive with his faith. My mom needs patients with others and hope for herself. My sister-in-law needs rest and strength to continue to live for my brother during this time. My whole family needs peace and the best way to show compassion for all of us immediate family members, and I need patience with others, as well. I do not have patience for negativity or rudeness. I especially need this at work with my boss. I also need peace knowing that God is taking care of my family and it's all in His hands.
This is just my opinion of what we need and I know we need much more than this small list. I thank each of you for anything you will pray for us.
Bandages and Wires
My wonderful sister-in-law is doing a great job keeping everyone updated on my brother. She is posting a blog of your own and posting pictures and stories, good and bad, for all to read. Everyone keeps telling me I will be shocked when I see my brother. I feel like I know what to expect, but am holding out for the worse. I have been around my dad at his worse, so I imagine him being along the same lines. I think people forget that I have been through this before. She posted a picture of him, I believe I inserted the picture here (pretty new at this). I didn't like seeing the bandage by his neck or the feeding tube. He doesn't look all that bad. I kind of like the facial hair! To me, the feeding tube and bandage on his neck represents illness, and I don't want to think of his as sick.
I still think of my HILARIOUS brother that I can talk about anything to, sit with for hours without saying a word, hug, cuddle, wrestle, love. I know I can still do most of these with him and trust me I plan on it in a few weeks. I want to cherish every moment I have with him during the short time I am going to be there. I don't want to have bad thoughts in my head, just soak in all the new memories we can make in his home in Orlando.
All my life I have been "an emotional" eater. I never understood people not having an appetite or throwing up under stress, maybe I just have never felt this much stress. Anytime I think of my brother or look at this picture of him I get nauseas. My brother is my best friend, Maid of Honor, and one of the greatest men I have ever met. I can't imagine my life without him. I just can't accept it.
For now I try to have all positive thoughts. I know if anyone can make it through this it's him. He has a lot to live for and I know he isn't ready to leave it all behind. He is too much in love with his young bride and has so much love to give to the world.
Please continue to pray for my brother, his wife, my family, the doctors, and his salvation.
Thanks to everyone for their support. I know sometimes I am not in a great mood, I vent to you, and just seem grumpy. Just know that I am trying to be the best I can be during this time. I worry constantly about my dad and brother. I can't imagine my life without either of these great men!
I still think of my HILARIOUS brother that I can talk about anything to, sit with for hours without saying a word, hug, cuddle, wrestle, love. I know I can still do most of these with him and trust me I plan on it in a few weeks. I want to cherish every moment I have with him during the short time I am going to be there. I don't want to have bad thoughts in my head, just soak in all the new memories we can make in his home in Orlando.
All my life I have been "an emotional" eater. I never understood people not having an appetite or throwing up under stress, maybe I just have never felt this much stress. Anytime I think of my brother or look at this picture of him I get nauseas. My brother is my best friend, Maid of Honor, and one of the greatest men I have ever met. I can't imagine my life without him. I just can't accept it.
For now I try to have all positive thoughts. I know if anyone can make it through this it's him. He has a lot to live for and I know he isn't ready to leave it all behind. He is too much in love with his young bride and has so much love to give to the world.
Please continue to pray for my brother, his wife, my family, the doctors, and his salvation.
Thanks to everyone for their support. I know sometimes I am not in a great mood, I vent to you, and just seem grumpy. Just know that I am trying to be the best I can be during this time. I worry constantly about my dad and brother. I can't imagine my life without either of these great men!
Friday, April 9, 2010
Finally admitting...
Yesterday was a very hard day for me. I just couldn’t get my mind off my brother. Every time I talked to John or Mom I just cried. I wish he was with me, I wish I could hold him, I wish I could take his pain away. I hate that I can hear the pain in his voice, I wish I could hear him healthy just one time. He still makes me laugh and I LOVE that! John and Chad are the only two people that can legitimately crack me up. I love that he can still do that. I work hard not to let him know I am upset. Sometimes I can’t say much, because I might show it. Why do I think it’s such a bad thing to let him know I am sad for him? I need to find a good balance between the two.
Today, I vowed to not let myself get into the dark place I was in yesterday. I know those days will come and go, I just don’t want it to consume me. I still want to be the happy, caring girl I am. I know I will have bad days, I am not kidding myself, but I don’t want them to be all the time. On my way to work I prayed for my brother, oh how I pray for my brother these days!! I pray for healing and most of all, for him to come to know Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior! I also prayed for Chad, as he is taking this harder than I thought. He just doesn’t understand why this is happening to John. He has faith that God has a plan, he is just so confused by it. I want God to use him to help my brother. I also prayed for myself. I need to show the same love and mercy that God shows to me, yesterday this was hard for me. It’s hard to hear someone complain about things right now. I just want to yell at them and tell them to open their eyes, look at all their blessings. If I can still see my blessings, then surely they can. I know that their gripes and complaints are real, so I bite my tongue and try to be sympathetic. It’s hard.
God answered my prayer! First thing this morning my friend, Mike, walks into my office and asks me my maiden name. I said Goddard. His eyes lit up. Last night he was talking to his dad (an Elder of a church in Fairland, IN) and his dad said his heart goes out to a family he heard about this week. Someone had added the family to the prayer list at the church. He went on to tell Mike about the families struggle and how the Dad had cancer in his leg and has been battling for quite a long time. Then, the family was hit with terrible news that his son was struck with stage 4 cancer of the throat. He said he will be praying hard for this family and he knows many church members will also. Mike asked what the father and man’s name was. He said John Goddard. Mike never knew me before I was married, but he had a feeling this prayer request was for my family. This morning I am in awe of what God and his followers can do. To get our prayer request to Fairland, IN is amazing to me. This was God’s way to show me that he cares. I have always known he cares, but today in my struggles he really showed me he is here.
I do want to clear this up for anyone reading this. John does not have throat cancer. I also cleared this up for Mike so the church prays for the correct illness. John has stage 4 esophageal cancer. It’s a horrific thing to hear. I can’t imagine being in his shoes and hearing that I have this myself. I have faith that if anyone can beat the statistics it’s Brother. He is amazingly strong, willing to fight, and so in love with his wife. If anything can keep him fighting it’s her. I was talking to my mother-in-law the other day and said “it’s crazy how much he loves her”. I meant that in a good way. He doesn’t want to leave her side and I know that will keep him fighting. The doctors say no one under the age of 50 has ever gotten this type of aggressive cancer. I say, they don’t know what this 27 year old body and can do! We are going to turn this 1-3 years into 10-20 years! With God’s help and all the Christians I know praying, I know we can beat this if it’s meant to be. God is amazing and he will do amazing work through this horrible time!!
I keep telling myself I have to get ready for the worse, but why?! Getting ready for the worse will not make it better when it comes into reality. If I get ready for the worse I am already writing off the good times I have left with my brother. I know there will be struggles, but in the struggles there will be laughter, hugs, kisses, tears, and LOVE. I want to feel the love, not be distracted about the future. I am going to take this one day at a time. I am going to pray the strongest prayers I have ever prayed. I am going to ask God to show John his strength and comfort him. I am going to ask God to put other Christians in John’s path. I am going to ask God how I can show John who he is and what he is about. I am going to ask God to heal my brother. I am going to ask God to use me in any way he can to help my brother and family in this time. If you are reading this, please pray for us. People keep asking me if there is anything they can do for me. The only thing I want is prayers. I want healing and I want my brother to know God, really know God.
If the worse does happen, then I want to say “See ya later” to my brother. I never want to say “bye”.
Today, I vowed to not let myself get into the dark place I was in yesterday. I know those days will come and go, I just don’t want it to consume me. I still want to be the happy, caring girl I am. I know I will have bad days, I am not kidding myself, but I don’t want them to be all the time. On my way to work I prayed for my brother, oh how I pray for my brother these days!! I pray for healing and most of all, for him to come to know Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior! I also prayed for Chad, as he is taking this harder than I thought. He just doesn’t understand why this is happening to John. He has faith that God has a plan, he is just so confused by it. I want God to use him to help my brother. I also prayed for myself. I need to show the same love and mercy that God shows to me, yesterday this was hard for me. It’s hard to hear someone complain about things right now. I just want to yell at them and tell them to open their eyes, look at all their blessings. If I can still see my blessings, then surely they can. I know that their gripes and complaints are real, so I bite my tongue and try to be sympathetic. It’s hard.
God answered my prayer! First thing this morning my friend, Mike, walks into my office and asks me my maiden name. I said Goddard. His eyes lit up. Last night he was talking to his dad (an Elder of a church in Fairland, IN) and his dad said his heart goes out to a family he heard about this week. Someone had added the family to the prayer list at the church. He went on to tell Mike about the families struggle and how the Dad had cancer in his leg and has been battling for quite a long time. Then, the family was hit with terrible news that his son was struck with stage 4 cancer of the throat. He said he will be praying hard for this family and he knows many church members will also. Mike asked what the father and man’s name was. He said John Goddard. Mike never knew me before I was married, but he had a feeling this prayer request was for my family. This morning I am in awe of what God and his followers can do. To get our prayer request to Fairland, IN is amazing to me. This was God’s way to show me that he cares. I have always known he cares, but today in my struggles he really showed me he is here.
I do want to clear this up for anyone reading this. John does not have throat cancer. I also cleared this up for Mike so the church prays for the correct illness. John has stage 4 esophageal cancer. It’s a horrific thing to hear. I can’t imagine being in his shoes and hearing that I have this myself. I have faith that if anyone can beat the statistics it’s Brother. He is amazingly strong, willing to fight, and so in love with his wife. If anything can keep him fighting it’s her. I was talking to my mother-in-law the other day and said “it’s crazy how much he loves her”. I meant that in a good way. He doesn’t want to leave her side and I know that will keep him fighting. The doctors say no one under the age of 50 has ever gotten this type of aggressive cancer. I say, they don’t know what this 27 year old body and can do! We are going to turn this 1-3 years into 10-20 years! With God’s help and all the Christians I know praying, I know we can beat this if it’s meant to be. God is amazing and he will do amazing work through this horrible time!!
I keep telling myself I have to get ready for the worse, but why?! Getting ready for the worse will not make it better when it comes into reality. If I get ready for the worse I am already writing off the good times I have left with my brother. I know there will be struggles, but in the struggles there will be laughter, hugs, kisses, tears, and LOVE. I want to feel the love, not be distracted about the future. I am going to take this one day at a time. I am going to pray the strongest prayers I have ever prayed. I am going to ask God to show John his strength and comfort him. I am going to ask God to put other Christians in John’s path. I am going to ask God how I can show John who he is and what he is about. I am going to ask God to heal my brother. I am going to ask God to use me in any way he can to help my brother and family in this time. If you are reading this, please pray for us. People keep asking me if there is anything they can do for me. The only thing I want is prayers. I want healing and I want my brother to know God, really know God.
If the worse does happen, then I want to say “See ya later” to my brother. I never want to say “bye”.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Happy Birthday!!
My wonderful husband's birthday is tomorrow! I can't wait to celebrate and let him see just how much he means to me. Chad and I don't go out to dinner or spend money on eachother very often, so this is a rare thing for us. We are going to Texas Roadhouse for dinner. This is his favorite, well favorite in our price range. I am sure he would be happy with St. Elmos, yeah right!
I can't believe we started dating when he was 21 years old!! Wow, how time has changed us! He has become the best man! I can't believe how blessed I am to have him in my life. He is such a great provider! He will do anything for me and I LOVE that about him. He deserves so much more than just Texas Roadhouse!! I did get him a card and a box of starburst as a gift, not quite as much as he deserves!!
I just can't wait until one day I can surprise him with a trip for his birthday or something more grand, like he deserves. One day I know all this hard work will pay off and he will be able to get spoiled!! Until then, I hope I can show him just how much he means to our little family by the small things, like a dinner out and me baking his favorite cake!!
I love you babe, with all my heart. Happy Birthday!!
I can't believe we started dating when he was 21 years old!! Wow, how time has changed us! He has become the best man! I can't believe how blessed I am to have him in my life. He is such a great provider! He will do anything for me and I LOVE that about him. He deserves so much more than just Texas Roadhouse!! I did get him a card and a box of starburst as a gift, not quite as much as he deserves!!
I just can't wait until one day I can surprise him with a trip for his birthday or something more grand, like he deserves. One day I know all this hard work will pay off and he will be able to get spoiled!! Until then, I hope I can show him just how much he means to our little family by the small things, like a dinner out and me baking his favorite cake!!
I love you babe, with all my heart. Happy Birthday!!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Who We Are
Hello all! I am getting very jealous of everyone that has so much going on that they can keep up with a blog. Chad and I don't do much, so I am not sure I will be able to keep everyone interested!
For those of you who don't know us. We met when we were litte. I believe it was the summer before I started Middle School. I think I was around 12 years old. He was so cool and I had the BIGGEST crush on him. Of course, he wasn't interested in his friends dorky little sister.
The summer of 2004 that all changed! Chad and I went on one date in August of 2004 and have not been apart since. He has been my rock through a lot. When I wanted to quit college he was there encouraging me. When my dad got sick about 5 years ago, Chad was there to help when John and Vicki lived so far away. He continues to be my rock now that Dad is fighting cancer again. He is an amazing man. We got engaged in September 2006. We bought our house in March 2007. It was and still is our dream home. We absolutely love it!
We finally got married in July 2008, after a not so gentle push from his uncle. We weren't in such a hurry to get married. We had it all - love, a house, careers, even a dog! We were madly in love. Chad's uncle really pushed us to get married. This was a great decision. Although, I really wish I had done a small beach wedding with just our parents and siblings, I don't regret marrying Chad, at all! It's the best thing I have ever done. As I said, he is an amazing man. I couldn't imagine my life with anyone else.
One thing that really changed our lives after getting married is Chad became a Christian. I have been attending Chapel Rock since my dad first found out he had cancer. I was eventually baptized in June 2006. I look back to how immature I was as a Christian when I was baptized, it's crazy to see the change the Holy Spirit has done in me. I am excited to see all the changes God has planned for our marriage. We are looking forward to being more involved in our "church community" and making friends in all our new ventures.
One other thing that really changed our marriage was going through the Dave Ramsey class. If some of you have never heard of it, you should go to DaveRamsey.com. He is a money genius :) He has totally changed our financial situation. I am very thankful for God putting this in our path. I recommend this class to EVERYONE!!
Thank you so much for visiting my blog. I will definitely try to update it frequently with small tidbits from our life!
For those of you who don't know us. We met when we were litte. I believe it was the summer before I started Middle School. I think I was around 12 years old. He was so cool and I had the BIGGEST crush on him. Of course, he wasn't interested in his friends dorky little sister.
The summer of 2004 that all changed! Chad and I went on one date in August of 2004 and have not been apart since. He has been my rock through a lot. When I wanted to quit college he was there encouraging me. When my dad got sick about 5 years ago, Chad was there to help when John and Vicki lived so far away. He continues to be my rock now that Dad is fighting cancer again. He is an amazing man. We got engaged in September 2006. We bought our house in March 2007. It was and still is our dream home. We absolutely love it!
We finally got married in July 2008, after a not so gentle push from his uncle. We weren't in such a hurry to get married. We had it all - love, a house, careers, even a dog! We were madly in love. Chad's uncle really pushed us to get married. This was a great decision. Although, I really wish I had done a small beach wedding with just our parents and siblings, I don't regret marrying Chad, at all! It's the best thing I have ever done. As I said, he is an amazing man. I couldn't imagine my life with anyone else.
One thing that really changed our lives after getting married is Chad became a Christian. I have been attending Chapel Rock since my dad first found out he had cancer. I was eventually baptized in June 2006. I look back to how immature I was as a Christian when I was baptized, it's crazy to see the change the Holy Spirit has done in me. I am excited to see all the changes God has planned for our marriage. We are looking forward to being more involved in our "church community" and making friends in all our new ventures.
One other thing that really changed our marriage was going through the Dave Ramsey class. If some of you have never heard of it, you should go to DaveRamsey.com. He is a money genius :) He has totally changed our financial situation. I am very thankful for God putting this in our path. I recommend this class to EVERYONE!!
Thank you so much for visiting my blog. I will definitely try to update it frequently with small tidbits from our life!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
