Regrets

Holidays have been weighing on my mind very heavily lately. I know it's because of all the sickness in my family right now. I just hate that we can't spend every second of every holiday with each of our family members. I can't even remember the last time I spent a holiday with my brother. I haven't seen him on an actual holiday since he moved from Indiana. It breaks my heart to think that the last Christmas ever spent with my brother being healthy could have been over four years ago and I didn't even know it. I don't even remember it. I can't treasure the memory of it.

I hate to think that something could happen to one of our parents and we don't see them on each holiday either. It's so hard that all of our parents don't get along. I have always thought when we got married we would have all day events for holidays at our house with each of Chad's parents and each of my parents with all of our siblings (real and step) coming in and out all day. I know we all have different personalities, but we can't put our differences aside for the happiness of eachother. Again, it breaks my heart. I try to have a Thanksgiving tradition with my mom, because she spends each Thanksgiving home alone. Our tradition is the Monday after Thanksgiving. It hurts me to know she is there alone, not even eating turkey. Last year, it broke Chad and I's heart to know that his dad was all alone on Thanksgiving. My dad did invite him over, but he didn't make it. He did get to go to dinner with his sister. We have come up with a solution for his dad. Each year now, we are having his mom come into Indiana for Thanksgiving and his dad will spend the day with us and Chad's mom and stepdad. This doesn't solve the issue of seeing my parents on Thanksgiving. Neither of my parents will come over that day. One is not allowed and one will be doing their own thing and would rather not. Really, we are called a family. I just don't get it. I think everyone should take a long hard look at what's important - the petty differences or the love everyone has for Chad and I?

For Easter each year we go to church and spend about an hour to hour and half with each of our parents that are in town. That is just not enough time. Again, if we could just make a huge meal and have people in and out at their own leisure, I would be thrilled. I hate that Chad's mom isn't here to spend these holidays with us. It would be impossible for us to go there for each holiday, we wouldn't be able to see everyone else.

Back to our siblings. I know I am new to Chad's family and its always been this way, but I hate that we only see Chuck and Emily once or twice a year. I hate that we have Christmas in February. Christmas 2008 was given to their family in September 2009. How is that even possible? We never know how limited our time here is, I think we should all make a better effort to be in eachothers lives. Last time I saw Nathan he was crawling, this time he is walking and talking. How did we miss out in all of that?

I love each sides of our family and wish we could do more together. Holidays stress us out, because I want to be sure to give each parent their fair share of time. We don't get to relax, we run from house to house. It's exhausting.

Last night we found out that Chad's mom had a lump found in her breast. She goes in on Monday for a CT scan to check it out on more magnified scale. We are praying, praying that its not cancer. Please pray for a good result! I am not sure Chad and I can handle anymore bad news. Each year, we try to see Chad's mom twice a year. Last year it wasn't possible, but at Thanksgiving last year we decided to make it a priority and it will happen each year from here on out. Although she only sees us twice in a year, we are there for days at a time. I actually think all together she sees us as much in a year as our parents in town do. That's great news for her, but what's that say about Chad and I? We obviously need to make each of our parents a priority. We can go a month without seeing any of our Indy parents and if we do it's only for an hour or two at a time. Maria gets us nonstop for four or five days at a time. I am glad we have now made her a priority. I will be working on making the other three parent a priority as well.

Please pray for our family. We need to remember the forgiveness and mercy God has for us. We are called to reflect that same love and mercy onto others. I pray that each of our parents can reflect that same mercy onto eachother and at least get along for the sake of Chad and I. Please also pray that Chad and I get our priorities together and make sure our parents are high on the list. I just don't want regrets in the end...