Finally admitting...

Yesterday was a very hard day for me. I just couldn’t get my mind off my brother. Every time I talked to John or Mom I just cried. I wish he was with me, I wish I could hold him, I wish I could take his pain away. I hate that I can hear the pain in his voice, I wish I could hear him healthy just one time. He still makes me laugh and I LOVE that! John and Chad are the only two people that can legitimately crack me up. I love that he can still do that. I work hard not to let him know I am upset. Sometimes I can’t say much, because I might show it. Why do I think it’s such a bad thing to let him know I am sad for him? I need to find a good balance between the two.
Today, I vowed to not let myself get into the dark place I was in yesterday. I know those days will come and go, I just don’t want it to consume me. I still want to be the happy, caring girl I am. I know I will have bad days, I am not kidding myself, but I don’t want them to be all the time. On my way to work I prayed for my brother, oh how I pray for my brother these days!! I pray for healing and most of all, for him to come to know Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior! I also prayed for Chad, as he is taking this harder than I thought. He just doesn’t understand why this is happening to John. He has faith that God has a plan, he is just so confused by it. I want God to use him to help my brother. I also prayed for myself. I need to show the same love and mercy that God shows to me, yesterday this was hard for me. It’s hard to hear someone complain about things right now. I just want to yell at them and tell them to open their eyes, look at all their blessings. If I can still see my blessings, then surely they can. I know that their gripes and complaints are real, so I bite my tongue and try to be sympathetic. It’s hard.
God answered my prayer! First thing this morning my friend, Mike, walks into my office and asks me my maiden name. I said Goddard. His eyes lit up. Last night he was talking to his dad (an Elder of a church in Fairland, IN) and his dad said his heart goes out to a family he heard about this week. Someone had added the family to the prayer list at the church. He went on to tell Mike about the families struggle and how the Dad had cancer in his leg and has been battling for quite a long time. Then, the family was hit with terrible news that his son was struck with stage 4 cancer of the throat. He said he will be praying hard for this family and he knows many church members will also. Mike asked what the father and man’s name was. He said John Goddard. Mike never knew me before I was married, but he had a feeling this prayer request was for my family. This morning I am in awe of what God and his followers can do. To get our prayer request to Fairland, IN is amazing to me. This was God’s way to show me that he cares. I have always known he cares, but today in my struggles he really showed me he is here.
I do want to clear this up for anyone reading this. John does not have throat cancer. I also cleared this up for Mike so the church prays for the correct illness. John has stage 4 esophageal cancer. It’s a horrific thing to hear. I can’t imagine being in his shoes and hearing that I have this myself. I have faith that if anyone can beat the statistics it’s Brother. He is amazingly strong, willing to fight, and so in love with his wife. If anything can keep him fighting it’s her. I was talking to my mother-in-law the other day and said “it’s crazy how much he loves her”. I meant that in a good way. He doesn’t want to leave her side and I know that will keep him fighting. The doctors say no one under the age of 50 has ever gotten this type of aggressive cancer. I say, they don’t know what this 27 year old body and can do! We are going to turn this 1-3 years into 10-20 years! With God’s help and all the Christians I know praying, I know we can beat this if it’s meant to be. God is amazing and he will do amazing work through this horrible time!!
I keep telling myself I have to get ready for the worse, but why?! Getting ready for the worse will not make it better when it comes into reality. If I get ready for the worse I am already writing off the good times I have left with my brother. I know there will be struggles, but in the struggles there will be laughter, hugs, kisses, tears, and LOVE. I want to feel the love, not be distracted about the future. I am going to take this one day at a time. I am going to pray the strongest prayers I have ever prayed. I am going to ask God to show John his strength and comfort him. I am going to ask God to put other Christians in John’s path. I am going to ask God how I can show John who he is and what he is about. I am going to ask God to heal my brother. I am going to ask God to use me in any way he can to help my brother and family in this time. If you are reading this, please pray for us. People keep asking me if there is anything they can do for me. The only thing I want is prayers. I want healing and I want my brother to know God, really know God.
If the worse does happen, then I want to say “See ya later” to my brother. I never want to say “bye”.