Raw Emotion - Rambling!!

I love family, friends, strangers. I love all people. I love meeting people! I feel like I accept all people, until something happens for me to no longer trust them. I go into each of my relationships with a huge heart. Sometimes I find fault in my ways. I get hurt by relationships that I build so quickly. I know that I am called by God to love others, be kind, build relationships. I also know that God doesn't mean I should let people treat me bad. I shouldn't hold grudges, sometimes I do.

I have been told lately that I am a tough person to argue with. I get my point across and people don't feel like they can give their point of view. I DO NOT want to be that person! I want everyone to feel welcomed and loved in my presence. To anyone that feel offended or betrayed by me - I am sorry. I have a huge heart and do not want anyone to hurt by my doing. I want everyone to be a little happier and feel better about themselves when they are around me. I feel like there are some relationships that are close to me that are slipping away. If I give advice or tell you my opinion, it's because I love you and want what is best for you. I am not judging you, I am trying to help. I have read some of "Woman are from Venus, Men are from Mars" - it says that men are fixers. If you tell a man a problem he automatically tries to fix it. This frustrates most woman, as they just want to be listened to, not helped (according to the book). Well, I have this "manly" trait. I try to fix EVERYONE's problems. People tell me something that is frustrating them and I tell them how to fix it. If I do this to you and you don't like it, tell me. I will try my best to fix it. I don't want to lose relationships because I offend someone, as I would NEVER want to do that.

I feel like a lot of my "friends" have let me know down lately. I also feel like I shouldn't care. I have so many important things going on in my life. Two of the best men I know are fighting the battle of their lives - cancer. I shouldn't worry about these relationships that are slipping away. There may be a great reason why these relationships are slipping. Maybe they weren't what I thought they were or maybe the people weren't great influences in my life. I have a HUGE support system of family between Chad and my families. I know the people that I can truly count on. Through my dad and brother's illnesses I have been very surprised by just who these people are. To these people, I say Thank You! You don't know how much it means to me when you simply ask "So, how are you doing?" I think most of you would be surprised by the amount of times people forget to ask me that question. A lot of times I get stories as to why this is hard on everyone else. I try to listen and be supportive. I know how many people love these two men. It's a beautiful thing to see.

I try to ALWAYS put on this tough persona. I don't like to cry, especially around others. I do it quietly at home. When my brother was first diagnosed I was numb. I functioned at work and in my daily life. However, when it was time to settle down and be at home, I would sob in my husbands lap. There were nights when we both would sit here crying. We were shocked.

I am not sure why I wrote this out tonight. Like my title says this is raw emotion and just rambling. This is raw emotion I have had for weeks and didn't know how to get it out. If none of this makes sense to you, it's okay, I think it made me feel better to get it out.

I want to clear up a statement earlier. When I say I would like people to ask how I am doing, I am NOT wanting to make all of this about me. I would like people to remember that I am John's sister and my dad's daughter. I have beena round these two my entire life. I HATE seeing them hurt. When they hurt, I hurt. I just don't want people to think I am always a shoulder to cry on. I am not always strong, sometimes it's the hardest thing for me to do, when people want me to listen to how much they are hurting over this. I want to scream and ask if they remember me, John's sister.

As always, please pray for my family. There are so many things we need!