Open Up Again

My last post was in August 2010, that is a long time ago. since then, some VERY life changing things have happened that made me not want to write, not want to put my thoughts down on paper and go back to read the hurt over and over again. I am back. I am going to try this whole blog idea again. Most people know, my brother passed away in Nov. 2010 and my dad passed away Dec. 2010. As you can imagine November and December are not my favorite times of the year now. I get by, I fake it, I think about them often. In August 2011, I had major surgery to remove 3 feet of my small intestines. My crohns disease has done very well since then. I have also been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia since. I am in pain most days, but for the most part, I don't let it stop me. I have had a few surgeries since, I am even having one on Tuesday. Hopefully, this will be my last one for a LONG time. On top of the bad things, we have had a lot of fun in the last 1.5 years as well. We have purchased a business. I work the business on my off time from work. My work has been very sweet and allows me to work from home at night. I am not sure I would be able to work at this time if I didn't have that available to me. I am very grateful. Chad has switched jobs, he works for INDOT. He loves his job and it has allowed him to be home with me more, sometimes that's a good thing ;) We had a great visit with Cat this past summer and look forward to seeing her more often. This weekend, Maria, Chad's mom, is coming into town for her birthday. We are takinng her to dinner for her birthday and going to hang out with family over the weekend. We are very excited to have her all to ourselves for a week. We have had some hard time the last two years, but we are still very thankful for what we have. We are very thankful for God and all he has and is doing in our lives. This is just an overview over the last years. I will try to update more often and focus on remembering the great things in our lives. Now that things are looking up for us, I will be writing more and more. I promise the future posts will be more positive, I just needed to fill in the blanks for the last couple years.

Birthday Reflection

Today is a beautiful day. It’s not only my birthday, but a day that I have used to reflect on some of my relationships and how blessed I am in this life.

First, my best friend, my husband is PERFECT! I was sitting with him the other day and was looking at him and thinking just how perfect he is for me. I could not imagine anyone else in my life. We grew up so differently, yet we are so much alike. I really can’t imagine getting along with and loving someone else as much as I love Chad. I am so lucky to have such a great man in my life. He loves, protects, and cares for me. He even deals with me being sick all the time, I know that is hard.

Second, my brother found out great news on Friday. I am so happy to hear him doing so well. He is definitely kicking cancers butt. Everyone’s prayers are working, please keep them coming. I know I am praying everyday for him! Please remember, Cat needs your prayers too. She is fighting just as hard as he is.

For my family - I feel a closeness to my mom that most people don’t have. I have a best friend in my mom and I am so lucky for that. I talk to my dad almost every day and can tell him everything going on in my life. I am glad that I am still a “Daddy’s girl”. I see my father-in-law almost weekly and we have a great time talking, laughing, debating, anything a girl would do with her actual dad. I am lucky enough to have that same type of relationship with my father-in-law. I chat with my mother-in-law more than my husband does. He is much busier than me. This has given me the great opportunity to become friends with her, instead of just a daughter-in-law. I am happy to call her my friend. I feel so blessed to have these four parents in my life. I think I always took it for granted, because as I look around, I notice not all people have their parents in their lives and if they do, they don’t always enjoy them the way Chad and I do ours. I am thankful that Chad gets along with my parents so well also. Now, if we could only get all four of our parents to get along with each other :) Chad and I are even getting closer to my Grandpa and Brenda, it feels great to know they are always there for us, as well as us for them. It’s great to have them to look up to.

I think about how much I used to stress about coming to work and hated being there. I no longer feel that way. I have changed MY way of thinking. I have learned that I cannot change the way Jean treats people or the irritating way others act, but I can change the way I react to these situations. I can go home knowing I did my best for the day. I have learned to feel great about the people that I work with. Now, I won’t pretend that everyone here is perfect and I just can’t wait to see everyone every day, but there are a few people that I love talking to. I know if I left today, I have a few people I would still talk to and be friends with. That makes me feel great.

It’s amazing how much your own attitude can reflect in how your day goes. It’s easy to get irritated and upset. It takes a better person to dust off their shoulder and keep moving along.

Most people don’t know, but I have been pretty sick for the last month or two. My crohn’s has come back and it doesn’t have much sympathy for me. I have found a new doctor and just pray that he will know the best way to treat me and my unique case. Please pray that my tests on Friday go well and that he comes up with a great way to get me better. I am very tired and irritable right now, but making the best of it. I just wish it was over. I know this is going to be here for the rest of my life, I just want to find the best possible way to live with it.

All over again!?

I met a new doctor today. My Crohn's doctor retired, so I was left with mundane task of finding another. I HATE meeting new doctors. I usually see through all their BS and just want to find one that really cares about people. I met three before finding one I liked the first time. The two I didn't like were referred to me from friends/family. I decided to get referrals this time around, again.

This doctor seems great to me and he is the first one I met! He sat down and re-explained everything about crohn's, the way he would for a new patient. He said he wasn't sure what all I have been told or not been told, so he would start at the beginning. He went as far as getting a picture of a body and showing me where food starts traveling from the esophagus to the colon. He was really thorough. He answered all of the questions I had. He even told me that he would allow me to stay on the medicine I am on (even though he would NEVER have recommended it to me). It has not been studied enough, so he wouldn't use it. He was even surprised that the asacol and the steroid I was on even worked. He said that these meds are for the colon, not for the parts where I have crohns.

Then he went through my chart and asked about family history in colon cancer, etc. That's when he stopped and looked at my brothers diagnoses. He asked "This is your brother? He's 27?" I told him that he was and that I am sure his doctors had the same confused look on their faces when they read the results to his numerous tests. He said the word rare quite a few times. He asked me what symptoms my brother was having. Although I wasn't there when he went to the hospital, I did talk to him quite a bit that weekend, so I explained his main complaints and how his lymph nodes were swollen. My doctor was amazed, speechless.

We went on to discuss my disease. He doesn't have any scans or records, so I had to give him all of the information that I had. That's when it happened, the confused look again. He mentioned the word rare a few more times. I mean A FEW more times as we went through my vitamin D levels being low, but my calcium being normal, my crohn's being in the middle part of my small intestines, and the kicker - my crohn's in my esophagus. He stopped and asked me if I knew how many people has crohn's in their esophagus. I told him I was told 5% of patients, he quickly answered "less". At this point I start getting nervous and asked if there is a chance I was misdiagnosed. He highly doubts it, he doesn't seem too concerned.

After hearing how these meds shouldn't work on where I have been told my disease is, I am a little hopeful that maybe I don't truly have crohn's. Maybe I have something much simpler. I know, wishful thinking. It's worth the thought for the next couple months. It will help get me through all of the tests. I have so many tests coming up in the next few weeks. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me!! Maybe this will get me treated a better way. I am very hopeful that he will be the right doctor. Him combined with my RN Rhonda may be the crohn's dream team! If not, who knows, I may be in Orlando to meet the holistic doctor soon!! I feel like I am going through the same things to get diagnosed again, I hope it's worth it.

Please keep me in your prayers the next month, through all my tests.

Also, please keep my mother-in-law in your prayers. She is having a mass removed from her nose/throat cavity next week. We are praying the biopsy comes back benign.

And it keeps on going....

I have had a pretty good weekend after my small breakdown on Friday. Saturday we had a great time at Justin and Jessica's wedding. We were surrounded by great people and HIGHLY entertained! These people are hilarious! Sunday was followed by a GREAT church service. Sometimes I think they just won't give up until I am fully crying. It was amazing though. It was like God was responding to all of heartache on Friday.

"You don't have to be perfect, that's what grace is for. You just have to try." - Fred Rodkey

This statement was the most freeing statement I had heard all weekend. It was like God was saying it didn't matter what people here on earth thought about me. 1) God always loves me. 2) If I screw up, he forgives me. 3) Even if people here don't know, God always knows where my heart is. He knows that I never want to hurt anyone and that I want to do good in all things.

After church we had family and friends over at our house and had a great evening.

At lunch today, Dad called and said he would come over for dinner tomorrow. He told me that he and Vicki went to Dairy Queen yesterday. It warmed my heart to hear that he is getting out of the house and doing so well. He said all of his stitches and wounds seem to be healing great. He sounded very excited.

Then, it happened... My mother-in-law called to let us know that she was taken to the hospital today. My heart just dropped. I really didn't know what to say, I was shocked. She told me that she had chest pains throughout the night and today. They are running tests to see if she is or was about to have a heart attack. I told her that we love her and asked her to keep us updated. I feel bad we are so far away. I would love to leave and go be with her. I immediately called Chad to let him know. We are both on edge and waiting for an updated. I know we both feel so helpless. Praying is the best thing we can do, and we are definitely doing it.

I can feel myself being pulled thin again. There are ways for me to stay healthy and be ready to help the family. I am going to concentrate on staying healthy and alert for all of our family!

Please continue to pray for my brother, my dad, my mother in law, my mom, Chad, and I. We need all the strength we can get.

Amazing Family

My last blog was not meant for close family. I would never expect John, Dad, Cat, Mom, Vicki, or anyone else just as close to these two men to ask how I am doing. You five people are handling all of this stress amazingly. I am so thankful all of you are in my life.

Cat and Vicki are doing an AMAZING job of taking care of my men! I am so thankful they found women to stand by their side through all of this. The year I took care of my dad was one of the toughest times in my life. I feel like I went through it in autodrive. I am sure the two of you are extremely tired and are far past the "autodrive" point. I won't pretend to know exactly what you are going through, but I am here for you to rant to, anytime you need it. I can never thank you enough for what you two do for my family.

John, you are an amazing inspiration. I never imagined I would look up to you on what a marriage should be like. The love you share with Cat is admirable. I pray that Chad and I never have to go through what you guys are going through. I also pray that if we ever have to, we have half the love you two do to get through it. You have always been a great example to follow and I couldn't ask for a better brother to share all of my experiences with. You are simply amazing!

Dad, you have always believed in me, loved me, and forgiven me through all my life experiences. Helping you through your first round of cancer could NEVER repay you for the life you have given me. You always tell me that you can't thank me enough, well I can't thank you enough for being the father you have been to me. You have taught me so much about what life is really about and helped me make smart choices. I am forever in debt to you! I don't know how it feels to be fighting such a terrible disease, then find out your son has to fight the same battle. Just know that I will always be a rock for you when needed.

I always know the two of you are there for me in an instant. It's great to know I have such strong men behind me!

Mom, the way you are handling yourself through what is every parents biggest fear, is incredible. I envy your calmness and caring nature. I know you would love to just move in with John and take care of him and Cat as long as they needed you. Please keep your head up, remember to pray and lean on God's guidance in all of your actions. Thank you for being my sounding board on my hard days. You are the best friend a girl could ask for. I know that you know I am here! I find it incredible that you have given all control over to Cat. As we have talked about, John and Cat are one. They joined when they got married. I think you have done a great job supporting the two of them, but letting Cat be number one. She is doing great at taking care of him and we love to see it.

From the beginning of Chad and I's relationship I haven't always had great relationships with his parents. I am so glad to be able to add them to my amazing family list!! The two of you are second parents to me. I know that you are always there to listen to me and give me encouragement. In some cases, even cry with me. The two of you have really stepped up when I have needed you and I am so appreciative of that. Please know that I am always here and thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your support.

There are many people that aren't "family" that are great supports. I believe you all know who you are and I thank you. I consider most of you family, even without the blood!

I do not know why I went on these rants tonight. I feel like I have so many emotions and I do not know how to get them out. I don't even know that I expressed all of my thoughts. I just know that I have some really great people in my life that I couldn't thank enough.

I know that I am losing friendships, but I also know that new ones are being built through my new support system. I am mourning my past friendships, but really rejoicing in my new ones. You guys are making my days easier and I couldn't say thank you enough times for your kind words!

I really think the "stress" is hitting me tonight. I am always so strong and tonight I am realizing that I have to let myself feel the pain and deal with my emotions. I feel like I might explode.

God Bless!

Raw Emotion - Rambling!!

I love family, friends, strangers. I love all people. I love meeting people! I feel like I accept all people, until something happens for me to no longer trust them. I go into each of my relationships with a huge heart. Sometimes I find fault in my ways. I get hurt by relationships that I build so quickly. I know that I am called by God to love others, be kind, build relationships. I also know that God doesn't mean I should let people treat me bad. I shouldn't hold grudges, sometimes I do.

I have been told lately that I am a tough person to argue with. I get my point across and people don't feel like they can give their point of view. I DO NOT want to be that person! I want everyone to feel welcomed and loved in my presence. To anyone that feel offended or betrayed by me - I am sorry. I have a huge heart and do not want anyone to hurt by my doing. I want everyone to be a little happier and feel better about themselves when they are around me. I feel like there are some relationships that are close to me that are slipping away. If I give advice or tell you my opinion, it's because I love you and want what is best for you. I am not judging you, I am trying to help. I have read some of "Woman are from Venus, Men are from Mars" - it says that men are fixers. If you tell a man a problem he automatically tries to fix it. This frustrates most woman, as they just want to be listened to, not helped (according to the book). Well, I have this "manly" trait. I try to fix EVERYONE's problems. People tell me something that is frustrating them and I tell them how to fix it. If I do this to you and you don't like it, tell me. I will try my best to fix it. I don't want to lose relationships because I offend someone, as I would NEVER want to do that.

I feel like a lot of my "friends" have let me know down lately. I also feel like I shouldn't care. I have so many important things going on in my life. Two of the best men I know are fighting the battle of their lives - cancer. I shouldn't worry about these relationships that are slipping away. There may be a great reason why these relationships are slipping. Maybe they weren't what I thought they were or maybe the people weren't great influences in my life. I have a HUGE support system of family between Chad and my families. I know the people that I can truly count on. Through my dad and brother's illnesses I have been very surprised by just who these people are. To these people, I say Thank You! You don't know how much it means to me when you simply ask "So, how are you doing?" I think most of you would be surprised by the amount of times people forget to ask me that question. A lot of times I get stories as to why this is hard on everyone else. I try to listen and be supportive. I know how many people love these two men. It's a beautiful thing to see.

I try to ALWAYS put on this tough persona. I don't like to cry, especially around others. I do it quietly at home. When my brother was first diagnosed I was numb. I functioned at work and in my daily life. However, when it was time to settle down and be at home, I would sob in my husbands lap. There were nights when we both would sit here crying. We were shocked.

I am not sure why I wrote this out tonight. Like my title says this is raw emotion and just rambling. This is raw emotion I have had for weeks and didn't know how to get it out. If none of this makes sense to you, it's okay, I think it made me feel better to get it out.

I want to clear up a statement earlier. When I say I would like people to ask how I am doing, I am NOT wanting to make all of this about me. I would like people to remember that I am John's sister and my dad's daughter. I have beena round these two my entire life. I HATE seeing them hurt. When they hurt, I hurt. I just don't want people to think I am always a shoulder to cry on. I am not always strong, sometimes it's the hardest thing for me to do, when people want me to listen to how much they are hurting over this. I want to scream and ask if they remember me, John's sister.

As always, please pray for my family. There are so many things we need!

Clarify

I want to clarify my last blog. I don't think it came across as I wanted it to. Gossip may not be the correct word for my weakness. I do not gossip behind my family or friends backs. I am actually very loyal to the people I am close to. By gossiping, I mean if I do not like someone (and they know it) I will talk about them to other people. For example, if my mom talks to someone I do not like, I will tell her what I think about that person everytime she mentions them. I need to learn to hold my tongue. Just because I am not a fan of someone doesn't mean that I need to lobby against them and make others feel the same.

God Bless!